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You know your ugly when the dog has to close his eyes to hump your leg
I couldn`t find the word `Disappear` in the dictionary. Strange!
My wife said she wanted to feel special. So I gave her a helmet and some crayons. Perhaps I misunderstood her?
The batteries in my electric toothbrush died before I finished. I`ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
If you can’t celebrate Valentine’s Day with someone you love, celebrate it with alcohol and pizza.
Just stepped outside, closed my eyes, took a deep breathe of fresh air, sipped a Dew. What a perfect morning, what could go wrong? Crap I forgot 2 put pants on!
I really shouldn`t have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I walked there.
Based on how I react when the toast pops out of the toaster, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
’twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, everyone was screaming ... cuz I went into the wrong house.
Don’t jump to confusions.
You only live once is the most reassuring thing I`ve ever heard.
just watched my first full episode of jersey shore... #ashamed of new entertainment
I can`t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
How do nudist clean their glasses?
80% of my status updates are BS, 15% are bologna and 5% are 100% straight from the heart.