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I hate grocery shopping. That`s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I`m getting, but it sure is faster.
Who else has dropped the phone on their face while laying in bed reading Facebook?
I joined weight watchers last month, so far I lost 38 dollars...
Found out today that you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jelly stain. Sorry, strange lady at the Waffle House. Just trying to help...
“Was that lightning?” “No no…. they’re taking pictures for Google Earth..”
My phone is covered in cupcake frosting and dried ice cream, in case you were wondering how my life is going.
I`m changing my facebook username to NOBODY so that way when people post crappy posts, and i press the like button it will say NOBODY likes this
When people say "You look so familiar" responding with "Were we in prison together?" is almost always a conversation killer.
The average human uses less than 10 percent of the remote.
I think I like mornings best when they start in the afternoon.
Don’t waste electricity. How would you like it if I turned you on and walked away?
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Marriage...betting someone half your stuff you`ll love them forever.
I`ve been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately. The most common one seems to be "You said you`d be home from the bar three f*cking hours ago!"
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets??