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Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
If I was a mortician I`d tie the shoe laces of dead people together, so if there ever was a zombie apocalypse it would be hilarious.
If I were my boss, I`d never leave my coffee cup unattended.
doesn`t mind that people start spreading rumors about me.. it’s when they spread the truth that I’m screwed ;)
“Check that sh!t out” luckily rarely refers to actual sh!t.
The first rule of Women`s fight club is don`t tell anyone what you`re mad about or why you`re fighting.
If you lick the frosting off a cupcake it becomes a muffin, muffins are healthy :) your welcome.
I`ve started to make a fresh start in 2015, so if I owe you money, too bad.
Your a$$ must be jealous everytime sh*t comes out of your mouth.
Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it`s up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with!!
When I hear someone say they hear voices in their head, I wonder if they’re just thinking for the first time.
Accidentally ran over my neighbor’s cat today and I was scared to tell him to his face so I left a note saying “Curiosity was here”
My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don`t try to run her life and I don`t try to run mine.
I’m not saying I’m psychic, but I’m positive I will have no interest in what you’re about to say.
We got an extra day this year. Why did it have to be a Monday?