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Today`s big idea - Coffee eye drops
You left a note on the fridge saying "This isn`t working. Goodbye" but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don`t get it.
Only in math problems you can buy 60 watermelons and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
Ninja Mode is not a plausible excuse for not being seen at work.
I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I`m being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I`m talking about
Guys are excellent cooks. With two eggs, a sausage, & a little bit of milk...they can keep a girl`s stomach full for 9 months.
There`s a sense of great satisfaction when I`m the tie breaker between `Funny` and `Not Funny` status updates.
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I`m cute, I would have 1 dollar ... thanks mom.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
I’ll need a weekend to recover from this weekend.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don`t want to look like a dork.
Judging by the commercials, only old white guys with sailboats can suffer from erectile dysfunction.
If you can`t say something nice about someone, you probably know the same people I do.
I often worry about the safety of my children, especially the one that is rolling their eyes at me & talking back right now.
I need a bank to do two things for me: give me a loan and leave me alone