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I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
There are so many scams on the Internet now these days, but for $19.95 I can show you how to avoid them.
I hate it when I mean to buy seedless grapes but instead I accidentally get...well you know...Oreos.
I`m not above slashing my own tires to avoid going to this family brunch.
Give a man a gun he can rob a bank. Give a man a bank and he can rob everybody
Did anyone else ever wonder why the Easter Bunny gave away chocolate eggs? Last I checked, bunnies don’t lay eggs. What kind of sick new species is this?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought, "Yep, you have a person in your basement."?
I take so many things with a grain of salt that I`m surprised I don`t have high blood pressure.
Fingerprints are proof that God doesn`t trust us
Anybody else have those FB friends that set up a FB account 4 years ago and posted once or twice and hasn`t been back on since? And you wonder how they can exist without a Life?
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they`re going to be when you kill them.
I’m posing nude for an art class this evening. Nobody asked me to. I think they’re making ceramic bowls.
I am convinced God only created six days and the devil added Monday.
You would think a popular place like the Krusty Krab would have more than two employees.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because my version is better.