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Cannibals don`t drink coffee ... They have a cup of Joe instead.
Sorry I`m late, the floor was lava
The cashier at the dollar store told me to have a good day. Like my purchase of shelf liner suggested any other plan.
Ever gotten that awkward feeling? ..like the one when you realize you`re chewing on a BORROWED pencil?
You have got to have worse hand-eye coordination than a lama on crack
Everyone has a purpose in life ... Perhaps mine is finding things to bitch about.
Old is when you start thinking about the things you used to do more than the things you’re going to do.
My motto is "Never say never." Which makes it difficult to tell people my motto...
A pretty important part of being a dad is waiting in the car.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I`m pursuing you online and from my couch
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says "Text Me"
A 15 year old took gold in the Olympics and then there is me whose greatest accomplishment is getting up to 10 on flappy bird.
The corner of my bathtub is also referred to as "The Shampoo Bottle Graveyard"
The real plot hole in Cinderella was that if everything disappeared at midnight why did the shoe stay?
I feel like a nickle in the March of Dimes.