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Conspiracy theory for conspiracy theorists: Your conspiracy theories were planted by the government to distract you from real conspiracies.
Sh!t`s spiraling out of control and I`m all like "wheeeee."
The amount of people who confuse "to" and "too" is amazing two me.
Its not my fault if I blame everyone for my mistakes...right?
Dropping a can of soda and sticking it back in the fridge all shaken up for the next person to open is not nearly as funny when you live by yourself.
What kind of wine goes best with laundry?
I react to "Someone has tagged a photo of you..." in the same way I react to a doctor saying, "Your test results came back..."
Non alcoholic beer is like porn movie on a radio
The synonym for `reality` is `offline`
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
If I were a pilot I would scream “WE’RE GOING DOWN” every time I landed the plane.
You`d think by episode 133 the Scooby Doo gang would know it`s a guy in a costume every time.
I knew we would be the best of friends when you said drinks are on you
So apparently, all you can eat buffets do not include the waitresses...
I`m sorry. . . I didn`t mean to stare. . . it`s just that I have never seen stupid of this magnitude up close before