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I downloaded this app called "Hide & Go Seek". Ever since then I cant find my damn phone.
Statistically, 132% of all people exaggerate.
Yes I`m still bitter about my name not being mentioned in "Mambo No. 5"
The thing about smart mother f*ckers is... They sound like crazy mother f*ckers to dumb mother f*ckers!
Live in the moment. Unless the moment sucks. Then live on Facebook.
I was just awarded the first place trophy for laziness. All I need now is for someone to accept it on my behalf.
Do handjobs from girls who speak sign language count as blowjobs
YOU KNOW WHY!!!!!!!!!!
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn`t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me...
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born... Life is crazy...
Sarcasm is wasted on the idiots who inspire it.
I hope I die doing something extreme like climbing Mt. Everest or telling a woman I don`t like her new haircut.
What doesn`t kill you, makes you stronger... except for lions, lions will definitely kill you.
I get my: Cereal from a tiger, Insurance from a gecko, Toilet paper from a bear, Financial advice from a gorilla. It`s people I don`t trust.