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I have a feeling my dying words will be "Honey, I was just joking."
Sorry I pissed you off, but I find you much more entertaining this way.
Goodnight friends, strangers, pervs, weirdos and a$$holes, and anybody else I left out.
Trying to figure out why I joined the gym when I have Photoshop.
From now on when skinny girls say they`re fat I`m just gonna be like, "Yup" & walk away.
This week’s weather forecast: Sweaty underboobs.
When googling something, I always use Caps Lock so that the people from Google know it`s urgent.
I`ll just admire you from afar.. Or 500ft. That`s what this paper says.
The ski racks on my car say I’m fun, adventurous, and can’t figure out how to take the ski racks off my car.
I paid attention to the construction signs and got in the correct lane. You ignored them for miles and now you want me to let you in. Not gonna happen.
I sure do feel a whole lot more attractive at WalMart than I do at the gym.
To a musician, a g-string means something completely different than it does to me. .
Couldn`t stay awake sitting on the couch, so I laid down in bed to make sure I wouldn`t fall asleep
The early bird gets the worm! So does the late bird. They all get worms all the time; there`s tons of those things. Relax, there will always be a lota worms......
You know you`re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on