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If your Facebook post requires me to hit “continue…” get a diary.
Its all fun and games until you realize your Capri Sun has no straw.
Dear Mother-in-Law, Do not tell me how to handle my child, I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement.
But in my most troublesome times, I looked down and saw only one set of footprints. I asked the Lord why, and He replied that sand people ride single file to hide their numbers.
Why can’t the shower just naturally keep itself clean?
In light of recent events, I have no choice but to deduct a full star from my Yelp review of Earth.
Just because I`m awake doesn`t mean I`m ready to do things
I spend the first half of work fantasizing about all the different places I could go for lunch.
Men think they have it bad, but they`re not the ones having to hold their boobs when they run.
My kids are always accusing me of having a "favorite child" which is ridiculous because I don`t really like any of them.
If guys were smart, they’d forget the nightclubs and watch the supermarket for girls who buy frozen dinners and cat food.
Nice try salad bars, there`s only one kinda bar I plan on attending.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you`ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells "CODE RED, CODE RED" really loud then people scurry like mad.
Pizza will never tell you you`re fat unless you`re high as sh!t, then pizza is probably suggesting you fight an aardvark to lose weight.