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Couch pillows are really just fart silencers.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is you are stupid and make bad decisions.
Me: "Why do all the people I love leave me?!" UPS Guy: "Please Mam, just sign"
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?” Facebook is worse than my parents.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying "gracias" at Mexican restaurants.
When sliding down the banister of life, always make sure that the end is knob free!
I always keep a spare pair of shoes at work that I change into so people don`t know it`s me when I`m taking a dump.
My math is never so quick or exact as when I see an old flame with a child.
When I`m happy, I drink and when I drink, I`m happy. Win/Win!!
I`m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me "2mer is B-9, woot!"
Whenever you feel like a genius, remember there was a time in your life when you were learning to not poop your pants.
This is supposed to be funny but I got nothing but do me a favour and like this...Yeah, okay, IM DESPERATE -.-
Wow, that Macy`s parade is crazy! The Kanye West float just cut off Snoopy and said Woodstock can fly better!
ATM`s need to have breathalyzers.
You know you`ve reached adulthood when your bed is in the middle of the wall instead of in the corner.