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I put "extremely organized" on my resume and I don`t even remember what folder I saved it in..
BREAKING NEWS: New $100 bills start circulating yesterday. I wish this affected my life in any way.
Hard butter is the devil.
Helpful Tip : The police never think it`s as funny as you do.
Men are trained from birth that happiness comes from either boobs or a bottle.
am updating my status just to let you know my status has no status
Hooray ! My face book film has been nominated for an Academy Award
Win every argument simply by repeating your opponent`s last sentence in a whiny voice.
Would you like to save money on your car insurance? Walk ... Just sayin
I almost talked my way out of a ticket today by telling a female cop she was very attractive, but things went sour when I said "and that`s not just the booze talking either".
that awkward moment when you`re alone somewhere and trying to take a picture of yourself.
The 21st century: When deleting history is more important than making it.
Unless my horoscope says, "You will dread going to work and will most likely masturbate," then it is a crock of sh*t.
Strange new trend at work. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Yesterday I ate a tuna sandwich named Jennifer.
Sometimes in life you have to give the people around you a little push ... into traffic.