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The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time.
I`m not sure what my spirit animal is, but I`m sure it has Rabies.
Gatorade always has athletes in their commercials sweating and working hard. They really should target their real consumer. A Fat guy on the couch nursing a hangover. Is it in you?
The length of your "About me" section on Facebook is directly proportional to how annoying you are in real life.
Marriage: It`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
Much of my life is a contest to see which of the voices in my head can say the funniest stuff.
Thank you Pringles for being the only chip company that doesn`t sell air.
Of course I can keep a secret. It’s the people I tell it to who can’t.
There`s 3 ways to get something done: 1. Do it yourself, 2. Hire someone or 3. Forbid your kids to do it.
I wonder whether I can trust doctors with dead plants in the waiting room.
You call it Sushi, I call it bait.
Actually told a girl who`s moving to France soon that "there`s lots of French people over there". It`s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
People say nails on a chalkboard is the worst sound ever... I think it`s the alarm clock in the morning.
Our swear jar is always empty because of all the god damn foul mouthed thieves that live in this f*cking house.
I wish all my freckles would just mix into a tan.