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My doctor told me to stop drinking...Then he told me to stop laughing.
Relax,,, We`re all crazy.. It`s not a competition.
What`s the lowest IQ someone can have while still being a relatively full functioning adult? My wife wants to know.
It’s impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.
NEVER go to a wet t shirt contest drunk. I won 2nd place.
I`d watch NASCAR if Hot Wheels designed the tracks.
How many selfies does it take to get to the center of attention?
The only thing worse than "the one that got away" is the one that won`t go away.
I`m a multi-tasking procrastinator. I can put off a bunch of sh!t all at the same time.
Just saw a cop that had a U-Haul pulled over on the side of the road. Obviously he was trying to bust a move.
Time to clean the house. Good thing I took that delegation class at work and I have 2 kids. This is going to be fun
Is it the S or the C that`s silent in scent?
The wife almost caught me browsing on Facebook, but I quickly clicked over to a porn site. That was close.
If I didn`t drink, then how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?
I just heard a woodpecker call me a `paranoid old weirdo` in morse code.