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The closer you are to the toilet, the harder it is to hold it in.
If I cover my phone at work with Preparation H, would it filter out the `pains in the butts` from calling?
I`m really good at using the turkey baster as a sword and getting drunk and not being invited to Thanksgiving anymore.
The WWF advert asks, “When the ice goes, where do the polar bears go?” ... Well, swimming, I suppose.
I`m glad I know sign language. It`s pretty handy.
Sometimes at the gym I`ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I`ll get my shorts on.
When is National Slap a Co-worker Day? ... Please say tomorrow
If you are going to write in the dust on my car, please dont date it
Are there actually people who get out of the shower to pee? I want to meet them.
Kids today will never know the frustration of having to rewind their dads porn tapes to the exact same spot...
“My phone’s about to die.” is what I say 30 seconds into every phone call. Just in case!
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues. ... and dates.
Talking bout planets with my 8 yr old. He asked if you can just plow thru Uranus because it`s all gas. I cannot respond maturely.
Some girls post the most depressing love sh!t that even I`m starting to miss their ex!!!
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead. It`s pain only for others. It`s the same thing when you are stupid.