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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, and that’s how science works.
Do these `Skinny Jeans` make my blood circulation look more than purple or less than purple?
I just sprayed Citrus Fabreeze in my bathroom... Now it smells like Sh*trus
The key to eating healthy is to avoid any food that has a TV commercial.
It`s frustrating to know, I`ll never experience the exhilaration of getting to meet me.
Think about how much more stressful life’s most stressful moments would be if accompanied by the running-out-of-time music in Mario Bros.
Unless you fell on the treadmill, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
The guy behind me honked a nanosecond after the light turned green. So I put on my flashers and here I sit, tweeting about the whole thing
Life…it’s just an “F” in lie.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put music they don’t like on
Someone invited me to their dog`s birthday party on Saturday. What a freak! I am NOT coming to your dog`s birthday party! Besides, my cat is getting married that weekend!
Currently training for when they inevitably make drinking an Olympic sport.
The best way to let people remember you is to `borrow money from them`
You ever notice “q”, “p”, “b” and “d” is the same letter but with a different angle.