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Every time i see a person kneeling over tying their shoe, i run up behind them and hop over them to try and get a game of leapfrog going.
Okay, calm down. Its a spider. Just one tiny litt- HOLY MOLY IT MOVED!
I`ve set my "life goals" to stuff I`ve already done so literally every day now I`m overachieving. It`s all about perspective.
Lazy fact #128540162, You were too lazy to read that number.
I walked into a bar in my pirate suit and a ships wheel in my pants.... The bartender asked... "Why do you have a wheel in your pants"? I replied "Argh.. it`s driving me nuts".
Women`s magazines are so funny. 1: You`re beautiful and perfect just the way you are! 2: How to lose 20 pounds in 10 days.
I`ve been told that I can be condescending... that means that I tend to talk down to people.
Relationships would be easier if people came with a “Clear History” button.
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What`s on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started...
It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
Sometimes at the gym I`ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I`ll get my shorts on.
I finally did it. I gave my cat a bath today. It really wasn`t that bad. She enjoyed it. I enjoyed it. Other than the fur sticking to the roof of my mouth, it went well.
I like confusing kids by telling them I`m older than the internet
If you put a "Student Driver" sign on top of your car, Nobody will ever suspect you of drunk driving.
I wish tanning beds could pop you out like a toaster when you`re finished.