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Have you ever looked at your ex and wondered...WAS I drunk the whole time?
That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow
Waitress: "Hi, my nam-" Me: "Vodka martini, please."
Your secret is safe with me as long as it`s boring.
You never realize what you have till its gone... Toilet paper is a good example.
I don`t understand why Walmart has a problem with me bringing my dog in the store. He`s better behaved, smells better, and less likely to take a crap on the floor than 95% of the people here
Another day....another 0.2% of a dollar
The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself"...and spiders. Oh, and ticks and nuclear war and getting laid off and losing your eye sight and...
To the woman with six screaming kids in Walmart, if you wonder how those condoms got in your cart, you’re welcome.
I tried jogging this morning, but the alcohol kept spilling out of my glass, f&ck that.
I guess today has been pretty good. I haven`t had to slap one single person yet....
They don`t even serve apples at Applebee`s. Or bees.
I`ve come to the sad realization nobody will ever triumphantly pour Gatorade on me for any reason
Screw doing situps...teddy bears don`t and everyone loves them.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.