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“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
I put the pro in inappropriate.
Here is your New Years Resolution. All of that stupid sh!t you did last year? Don’t do that crap this year. Done. You’re welcome.
I would watch NASCAR if hot wheels designed the tracks.
Debt doesn`t buy happiness either.
I swear Mosquitos have a chart of the human body they study before they leave their nest...They seem to always bite on the worst possible places.. It`s like they huddle up and make a plan: "Ok Sally, you take the toe knuckles.. Betty, you get the crack behind the knee, Mary, you take the ankles, and I`ll take the finger knuckles..Ready? Break!"
Went into a five-star hotel to use the bathroom and now it`s a two-star hotel.
"Hot singles in your area want nothing to do with you." -Honest spam
You know what’s funny? Lot’s of sh!t. Loosen up already.
Instead of “single” as a relationship option, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Social media is great if you like socializing without wearing pants.
If you still can read this, please inform me ASAP because I have probably blocked the wrong person!
The text message is the new greeting card, but without any hope that there will be money inside.
I wish there was a way to find out how many boners you’ve caused in a lifetime, I wanna check my stats.
I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade"