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Life would be a lot easier if employers accepted excuses like “I’m sorry I can’t come into work today, I’m sleepy”
Two girls riding their bikes on a cobble stone road. 1st girl: I never came this way before. 2nd girl: Me neither. It must be the cobble stones.
Fellas; There’s no heterosexual way of taking a selfie.
Do women know that it`s perfectly legal to apply makeup at home before they get in their car?
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
When all else fails… Pizza & Beer.
If my "check engine" light would check my wallet, it would know there`s nothing I can do about it.
Sea levels aren’t rising due to global warming. They are rising due to the increase in obesity. The continents are actually sinking…
i just caught a disease so rare that even i dont have it .
Hillybilly Word Of The Day.."Twerk"..."Welp, I`m done with lunch so I`d better get back twerk!"
Wife: Hi honey, did you miss me? Husband: With every bullet so far...
I’d drink a lot less alcohol if a lot less alcohol got me drunk.
Just washed my car with the squeegee at the gas station.
Running behind is my cardio.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep.