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Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
It’s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I`m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
I believe in equality. If we have five days of work, then we should have five day weekends as well.
If this cold snowy weather doesn`t clear up soon, I may never get in the mood to take down the Christmas tree-
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn’t even know I was driving.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parents job.
A few bad decisions really liven up a boring day.
None of my coworkers get why I have fishbowl with no fish. It`s because fish can`t survive in my secret reservoir of vodka.
What if "I`m coming out with a new scent" was just a way for famous people to warn others that they were about to fart?
Sobriety and I have agreed to see other people today
You make me feel "I`m-typing-this-with-my-middle-finger" angry.
Thumbnail pics. Helping ugly people look hot until you click on them since 1995.
The best thing about weed is it teaches you that it`s okay to take 35 minutes to make a sandwich
"Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it." -Me lying to someone who`s pointing out a constellation