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Hell hath no fury like me when I’m slightly inconvenienced and hungry.
"I really should buckle down and get my rap album going"-Me, every time I drink
Easy way to kill me: Dangle a spider from my rearview mirror while I`m driving.
You learn something new everyday and if you didnt know that then you just did.
There is a special place in hell for people who are not ready to order when it`s their turn.
I don`t care what people think of me. It can`t be half as bad as what I think of them...
Whenever I move into a new neighborhood, the first thing I familiarize myself with is the liquor store coz you know priorities.
They should really be Middle-Age Mutant Business Turtles by now.
The boss said I should let my creative juices flow. What he doesn’t know is that my creative juices are vodka and cranberry.
Fruit cocktail is the most disappointing of all the cocktails.
If you put a "Student Driver" sign on top of your car, Nobody will ever suspect you of drunk driving.
You’d think my password was “yourmom” because my computer just told me it was too easy.
Things I`m confused by: how did Rub a Dub Dub, Three Men in a Tub become a nursery rhyme?
I was thinking about jumping on the Patriot`s Fan bandwagon, but I am afraid that the tires would be deflated...
There`s no way that whatever mothballs prevent is worse than the smell of mothballs.