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Given enough coffee, I could rule the world.
is actually feeling pretty much okay about not accomplishing anything this year.
my cross-eyed girlfriend left me today. She was seeing someone else.
Have you noticed that it`s only the married squirrels that hurl themselves in front of your car......
Writing "Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???" on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
If kindness really kills, you`ll always be completely safe around me.
Sorry, I didn`t get your text...Just kidding, I ignored that sh!t.
I must have a great butt because every time I finish talking with someone and start to walk away, I hear them whisper "What an a$$."
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Eleanor Roosevelt once said "Do one thing every day that scares you" and that`s why I weigh myself in the mornings.
Drinking Game: Tape a fake mustache to your TV. Drink every time it lines up with someone`s face.
I don`t get why girls get so offended by sexist jokes..I think they are just ovary-acting. Seriously..
Anyone else pretend to work all day while thinking about big boobs instead?
I just slid off the couch and lay on the floor for a while and eventually sat up without using my hands, is that a yoga class?
Does anybody know how to disable the autocorrect feature on my wife ?