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Life would be a lot easier if employers accepted excuses like “I’m sorry I can’t come into work today, I’m sleepy”
When my boss is in town, I set out pictures of kids on my desk. They aren`t my kids but he`d never fire a Mom of seven, right?
I`m sorry but sh!ts and giggles don`t sound like things I want to have happen at the same time.
Laugh if you will but this night-light has an undefeated record at repelling Boogeymen.
What`s the difference between "Ooooo" and "Ahhh"? About 3 inches.
Make sure your goals are unattainable so you`ll feel a little better about giving up later
"You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself" -- 5th Amendment, understood by nobody on Facebook.
Strangers are like birds. If you run at them screaming and waving your arms they will run away.
As a child, my mom told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
I`ll call it a smartphone the day I yell "Where`s my phone?" and it yells "Down here! In the couch cushions!"
Sign outside a Drug Rehab Centre: "Keep off the Grass!"
Don`t do it in the Garden, they say love is blind but ur neighbor ain`t.
Whatever it is ... I didn´t do it!
Why do people say "Tuna Fish sandwich?" That`s like saying "Chicken Bird sandwich."
Saw a boat with a sign that read "For Sale" so I added the missing "-ing"......Idiots can`t spell...