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If zombies ever do attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership.
We are so fortunate not to live in China, they have to hide their posts in cookies.
I like restaurants because the people have to be nice and feed you.
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smacked your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
Mrs Bieber.... WHY U NO USE CONDOM?
Hey ladies, you know that feeling you get when you roll over & realize you made a horrible mistake? I could give that to you every day.
I might not be smarter than a 5th grader, but I can buy beer.
I saw some footage of some polar bears drinking water today. It’s obviously fake. Everybody knows they only drink Coca-Cola.
The awkward moment when you’re not sure if something is your actual memory or if your brain made it up.
If a vegan does crossfit which do they talk about first?
I’m not going to vacuum until Sears makes one you can ride on.
Things that don`t kill spiders: 1: furniture polish 2: Febreze 3: butter 4: screaming
I`d like to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with all of you, but I`m afraid they`ll be used against me in court someday.
Not every flower can say love, but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst, but a cactus did. Not every dummy can read, but look at you go...... *high 5*
Is there any way to really know how many camouflage shirts are in your house?