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Having a contest with my couch and my washing machine to see who has more money. So far I`m in 3rd.
The worlds gonna end in 5 days & I don`t know what I`m gonna wear.
Guys: Bet a female friend that she can’t touch her bellybutton with both elbows. Enjoy the view.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe`s poker table you`re too mature for me.
Highschool Reunion? What for ? I`m on Facebook. I already know who got fat.
Why was the cat in the bag in the first place?
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I`m back. Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Could you imagine if guys commented on their guy friends` profiles the way girls do? "Bro, you look so handsome" "Looking hot, man!" "OMG, your jawline is cray" "Ugh, how are you this perfect dude? I`m jelly" "sexy much?!"
I`ve been single so long now I don`t remember what it`s like for someone to be mad at me for something I didn`t even know it did!
"Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it, I better call the police!" - literally no one ever
Swiss army knives are only like 8% knife.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you, would actually kill me
i`m my own therapist...which explains so much.
I cant wait to show everyone at work my new cough
I plan my entire day around the possibility of a nap.