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Having a contest with my couch and my washing machine to see who has more money. So far I`m in 3rd.
My car is so old the high beam switch is on the floor...
If its so great outside why do bugs try to get in my f*cking house?
Radio Shack has stayed in business with a name combining something no one buys anymore and a type of building no one wants to go into.
I`m getting all dressed up. Have a feeling I might be on COPS tonight.
Now that football season is here, if anyone`s favorite team loses, they can just blame it on Trump.
I thought 70 was the new 50, but the cop still gave me a ticket.
!f yhu T@k yk d!$, then dont talk to me.
I hate that they put "use by" dates on condoms... like I`m not under enough pressure trying to get laid already.
The best part about Valentine`s Day is that tomorrow is Friday.
The bears had it right choosing to hibernate all winter.
Porn teaches kids an unhealthy and unrealistic idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.
I`d care more about your feelings if they came with a toy and chicken nuggets.
I made this margarita with my kids` slushie machine ... Don`t judge
My ex-girlfriend said she broke up with me because I was childish and immature. I think it`s because she`s a big dumb stinky head that`s jealous of my awesome Transformers collection.