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Behind every man there is a woman wondering if going to jail for murder is as bad as it sounds.
I hate it when teachers say, “You think it’s funny?” Obviously it is, if it wasn’t I wouldn’t be laughing
Is it just me, or does this gravy I made taste like scotch? Anyway, best Thanksgiving EVER!
I will always be here for you. Unless we run out of beer and someone has some over there. Then I will be over there for you.
However lonely you feel, you`re never alone. [There are literally millions of bugs, mites and bacteria living in your house.] Goodnight.
Don’t waste electricity. How would you like it if I turned you on and walked away?
LIKE if you talk to yourself and laugh because you’re just that hilarious.
Sorry I said "What is it?" when you showed me your baby.
I just finished writing an article on "How To Improve Your Memory"- But I forgot where I kept it!!
Relationships are like just-out-of-the-oven pizza. You know it`s going to burn you, but it looks so good and maybe this time it won`t?
I’m moving to Africa. Apparently there I can eat for 12 cents a day.
I`m a little ticked off, I checked a book about surgery out of the library and when I opened it up I found that someone had taken the appendix out
Some days are better than others. And those days always involve alcohol.
Seeing how Iron Man and Batman are only really smart and super rich, I’m really disappointed with Bill Gates.
I wasn´t born with enough middle fingers to show you how I feel