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If the voices in my head had a British accent I would listen to them more often.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means he can eat anything off the floor if he waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth
I wanna be skinny but I also want to have pizza for breakfast lunch and dinner, you feel me?
She walked in & she had legs, legs that went on for days. Who knows where they went? They just kept wenting. - Why my mystery novel failed
My wife says "YOU`RE DRUNK!" like it is a bad thing.
Texts from mom: Thanks to the supreme court, now it`s not just women who won`t marry you.
My mother in law called me today and said? ”Come quick. I think I’m dying” I said, ”Call me back when you’re sure”.
Hell hath no fury like a hungry me.
Organized people are just too lazy to look for things.
Life is hard ... It`s harder if you`re stupid.
I got up this morning and think I saw my shadow. I´m going back to bed for six weeks.
Nothing is impossible.. Never Give Up.. I know a guy that once actually guessed correctly why his girlfriend was mad at him.. :|
I fight evil wherever it may be ... except in dark, scary places.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It`s simple. If it`s clean, it`s on the floor. If it`s dirty, it`s on the floor over there.