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I can not be held responsible for what my face does when you talk.
I`m 28 years old, but in marriage years, I`m dead on the inside.
I spend 95% of the time out of bed wishing I was back in bed
I don`t just sing in my shower, I perform.
If someone hates you for no reason, give that motherf*cker a reason.
Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and they live for 15 years. Turtles do nothing & they live for 150 years. Lesson learned
My walk of shame is when I have to take all the the empty Taco Bell bags out of my car and bring them to the garbage can.
Stalin should have known communism doesn`t work. There were red flags everywhere.
Teacher: Why are you late!? Me: There was a man who lost a $100 bill..Teacher: That’s nice. Were you helping him look for it? Me: No, I was standing on it until he f*cked off.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Why are police men so strong? Because they hold up traffic.
i didn`t know i had a facebook account until now
Being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible
People hiking with a giant stick never seem any better at hiking than the rest of us.
I found a penny today that reminded me of you. Totally worthless and always in a stranger`s pants.