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I`m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn`t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Besides creating dinosaurs are mosquitos good for anything?
I spent an hour at Walmart last night.. I can now totally disprove evolution.. O_o
Boss: Are you high? Me: You and I both know that I don`t make enough money to have a drug habit.
Today I discovered that two wrongs definitely don`t make a right. Tomorrow I`m going to try three.
There’s been over 30 billion messages posted on Facebook, and yet most of us have never even talked to our neighbors.
There are no problems which cannot be solved through suitable application of high explosives.
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with beautiful daughters do.
I`m not saying you`re an idiot. I`m just saying that....Umm how do I word this?? I guess I am saying your`e an idiot.
I put the b!tch in the kitchen.~ last thing I remember saying before I woke up in the hospital.
Just once I want my boss to assume I`m tired in the morning because I fight crime all night, not because of all the booze I drank.
Is anyone going to tell America`s funniest videos about YouTube?
DO NOT expect a "Bless You" after your 3rd sneeze. Get that sh!t under control.
Pretty sure I know what my wife`s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, "A 3-way?" she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Know what? If they had Neosporin back in 1931, that nasty scar on Frankenstein`s forehead would have been far less noticeable.