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You can steal my status updates whenever you want, but just remember that I lick every single one before I post them...
It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do!
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter STEP 2: Receive email newsletter STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life.
One day my fridge will take revenge on me by opening my bedroom door every half hour, staring at me for a few minutes and then leave.
The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything."
My wife always laughs during sex – no matter what she’s reading.
I overheard 2 girls say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
I never thought I’d be the kind of person who’d wake up early in the morning to exercise... and I was right.
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does
That awkward moment when your parents don’t appreciate the hilarious child they have.
I`m not mental, other wise the rubber duckies would have told me by now...
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don`t get married. If you are over 35, don`t get married. If you are 35, don`t get married.
My new girlfiend is taking forever to exist.
Tips for Guys on Valentine`s Day: Tell your girl you already got something and make her guess. She`ll automatically list things she wants.
"Be yourself" is about the worst advice you can give some people.