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Do you guys dance in the shower too? This morning I did the robot! (I short circuited and stared at the wall for 40 minutes, broken)
It`s not so much that I wanted to drink the whole bottle of wine, I just couldn`t figure out how to get the cork back in it.
Wait...so the "c-word" isn`t co-worker?
Next time you go to the bank and they ask you if you`d like large bills, just look at them dead serious and say "No, normal size ones if you don`t mind."
Marriage, because sometimes ruining a person`s life takes serious commitment.
Why does life keep teaching me lessons I have no desire to learn?
Dear Santa: I have been good for the past week or so. Lets just focus on that.
Shout out to sidewalks. Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
When you realize that your car matches the one in the Amber Alert.
Ghetto wet floor sign: Caution Bitches Be Trippin
I`ve got a Tootsie Pop and seven hours until the aviary notices their Spotted Owl is missing. Let`s do this!
Treat your mom to a margarita this mothers day! Remember you`re the reason she drinks.
I`m surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I`ve dropped my phone.
"Estimated Time of Arrival" on the GPS. Challenge accepted!
I like to walk by a chick in slow motion so she thinks i`m the one