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I don`t like making plans for the day, because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
Dear Microsoft Office Word I am pretty sure I spelled my name correct
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn`t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
If you can’t laugh at yourself, call me… I’ll do it.
The cool thing about The Clapper is it doubles as a strobe light during s@x.
Any time someone says "have you seen that YouTube video?" I always say yes......... Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Yet another advantage of being single. All I bring to Thanksgiving is empty Tupperware...
The hardest part about having a vivid imagination is finding enough things to climb on to avoid all the frickin’ lava on the floor!
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
There`s nothing a floored gas pedal and cranked music can`t cure.
"Be yourself" is about the worst advice you can give some people.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Does this floor I’m laying on make me look unmotivated?
Inspirational status: Today’s probably going to suck. Don’t be a little bitch and handle that sh!t.