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Life is like chocolate...sometimes you gotta deal with nuts.
The speed at which I can prepare food during a commercial break is amazing.
Sorry I`m late... I accidentally pulled the chain on the ceiling fan one too many times for like 9 hours straight.
I`m not a doctor but I play one on Match.com
I wish common sense was more common.
Apparently somebody gets stabbed every 52 seconds...sucks to be that guy
Hey chicks that only post inspirational shit: we know you’re nuts.
A recent survey of one person reveals that 100% of me thinks I should leave work early.
Sometimes, just to annoy my Therapist, I’ll ask him; “so how does my lack of progress make you feel?”
Wow, I thought “flash mob” meant something completely different. Can someone come bail me out?
That awkward moment when you finish watching a TV series and you don’t know what to do with your life any more.
Chicken pot pie sounds like a great idea if you add commas.
Picking up someone at a bar when you`re drunk, is like going to the grocery store hungry... You end up taking home crap you didn`t want
What if Spider Man has to stop a crime in the countryside
So far this is the oldest I`ve ever been.