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For Valentine`s Day my wife wanted to.... well, you know. It started with her handcuffing me to the bed. And for three solid hours she watched whatever she wanted on television
The best part about being at work on Friday is that it gives me 9 hours to figure out what I`m going to drink tonight.
Behind every crazy woman is a man that made her that way.
My inner child is a drunken whore
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how`s your day going?
I like my women like I like my motorcycles. Not ridden by all my friends.
My exercise routine consists of doing diddly squats.
Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets
OMG, you`re huge! There`s no way you`ll fit inside me.- My clothes probably.
Oh, I offended you with my opinion? You should hear the ones I kept to myself.
Wait,,,, What does it mean when my bride uses air quotes during the vows???
Some people repeat themselves when they`re drunk & some people repeat themselves when they`re drunk.
I just slammed hard on the brakes and found 3 lighters, $4.67 in change, condom box, empty flask, half an 1/8th, and a puppy.
I`m actually kind of handsome when you`re drunk and the light is low and there are no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Of course I know right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one.