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The human soul weights 1.2 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work.
Right now I`m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I`ve forgotten this before.
"Who`s this clown?" - every guy about every other guy who is in a photo with a girl we like
Alcohol free beer is like ... orgasm free sex
’twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, everyone was screaming ... cuz I went into the wrong house.
Do you remember that creepy guy who stood behind you on a train 6 years ago and was smelling your hair? Hi!
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and It’s just me laughing at my own jokes.
You could give me 45 years to do homework and I still wouldn’t do it until the night before.
I think today I`m going to cut off the sleeves of my snuggie and walk around the neighborhood pretending I`m in a Clint Eastwood western movie.
lifes a laugh, start living it!
Every night before bed I do this cute little thing where I stare at the Internet for 6.5 hours
Mister Rogers didn’t adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.
They`re all cop cars when you`re this high.
This day needs more yesterday.
I didn`t know until this week that so many people I know are politicians...