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Ever have the experience of staring at an outfit hanging in your closet and wondering which of the personalities did the shopping that day?
My new home security sign : "EBOLA QUARANTINE" - Deters salesman, thieves, and neighbors.
I think most of my friends hang out with me to see what I’ll say next.
You`d think Pizza Hut would be able to upgrade to a house by now.
I just found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock,,,, people expect less of you.
Doing the moonwalk is the only way to look cool while wiping dog crap off your shoes.
I keep graphic, full frontal nude pictures of myself on my cell phone in case anyone ever hacks it. That`ll teach `em.
Why am I always right but people still ignore me...?
The guy who invented the Time Machine has just died.... RIP DAVE JONES 2187-2014
Whoever left me in charge of my own destiny has a lot of explaining to do.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Help keep America beautiful. Stay in your house today.
Ahh, Spring. When the days get longer and the dresses get shorter!!
people say that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, but it`s the only way I can talk to you.
A book fell on my head, I can only blame my shelf.