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"There`s nothing sexier than a chick that knows how to work on cars" -Dudes, trying to get us to do that job too.
I am so deep in the friendzone I have been introduced to her boyfriend`s parents.
I know you people are crazy. I can spot my own kind a mile away.
When I was a kid…no wait, I still do that.
I’m exhausted just thinking of everything I have to do.
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
If you`re not procrastinating just a little, you`re not doing Saturday right.
Any amusement you may have experienced from my past posts are in no way a guarantee of future performance.... Please initial here and sign here.
My boss told me that there is no such thing as problems, only opportunities. I said, “That’s great. Well I have a serious drinking opportunity.”
The fastest way to find out if your wife is just pretending to be asleep to avoid sex is to pick up her phone and start scrolling.
I’m amazed by how quickly I forget what I’m doing.
Who ever invented the knock knock joke should get the no bell prize.
Being married is like having the freedom to do whatever your wife tells you.
Somebody just gave me a free air guitar..... No strings attached
Calling out your ex`s name during sex is a nice way to show your current lover that you won`t forget them after you break up.