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Pepper spray: The perfect way to end an annoyingly long conversation.
Chocolate is a flavor of milk, and milk is a flavor of chocolate.
What`s the lowest IQ someone can have while still being a relatively full functioning adult? My wife wants to know.
You must have been born on a highway. Most accidents take place there.
Republicans are red, Democrats are blue. The government is shut down cause neither one gives a damn about you.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Joggers always give each other a little nod when they pass, just like fat guys in a buffet line.
Funerals are so depressing, when I die I want to be fed to a shark or something cool.
There`s always cake to celebrate happy moments, but I really think cake would do better during the bad times. Got fired? Have a cake.
If you insist on sending me pics of your boobs please at least be a female!!
My ex has had a really hard time moving on. From what I can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
I think I have 10 inches of Global Warming on my driveway.
I wish "You idiot" was an appropriate way to end a work email.
You know that little thing inside your head that keeps you from saying things you shouldn`t? ... Yeah, I don`t have one of those.
Today we salute Vodka~ruining family reunions and supporting hilarious `hold my drink` moments for 50 years...