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I just can`t seem to get a girlfriend even though I can speak two languages fluently. English and Klingon.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
llllllloooollllll...........................i saw a donkey on a bike
Exercise makes you look better naked. Alcohol does the same, you pick..
"That wasn`t chicken in the Chow Mein" I`d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Let`s all have a moment of silence for people who can`t have a moment of silence because they have kids.
I can`t be the only one who thinks "Game on, mother f*cker" when I see an air freshner in a bathroom.
The bottle of Pepto Bismol say’s 4 out of every 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one of them enjoys it?
It turns out that 3 is the amount of times you can suck on your dentist`s finger before she stops believing that you`re doing it accidentally.
If I had a nickel for every time I`ve misplaced my keys, there`d be a jarful of money I would also have to look for
On cold mornings like this I just tell outrageous lies and hope my pants catch fire.
If opportunity doesn`t knock, build a door.
Sometimes my sarcasm is so intense that even I’m not sure if I’m kidding or not.
hilarious
You´d be amazed how often I´m wrong when people say guess what