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Naps are tricky because you either wake up refreshed and relaxed or you have a headache, dry throat, and are unaware of what year you`re in.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that`s why I surround myself with lazy people
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that`s just science.
Christmas came early this year! My neighbor just upgraded our internet speed... I mean his internet speed. Or whatever...
Make sure your goals are unattainable so you`ll feel a little better about giving up later
I hardly know you…. but, Facebook says it’s your birthday, so happy birthday!
What if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs?
I spend the first half of work fantasizing about all the different places I could go for lunch.
I am not judging you...I already decided I don`t like you
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
I`ve decided to add more positivity in my life. So, now when I say someone`s an a@#hole, I qualify it with......... but he`s really good at it...........and I`m positive about that!
If you get angry, just relax, take a deep breath and count to ten, unless you`re angry about oxygen and numbers.
Do you think we like to sing in the shower because we all love a good soap opera?
With names like "Batman" and "Robin", you`d think they could fly...
Did we try giving the government a snickers?