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I just did my budget for August. If I don`t buy food ... I won`t need toilet paper. I think I`m on to something here.
The best moments in life are the ones you don`t tell anyone about.
There`s no better reminder to visit your dentist than a trip to Walmart.
Always look out for #1. Don´t step in #2 either.
great minds and dirty minds have something in common, they think alike
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
If you`re sick and tired of every Asshole on Facebook asking you to copy and paste stuff as your status, please copy and paste this as your status.
I`m not saying I can perform miracles or anything, but when the Taco Bell employee isn`t looking,, I can turn water into Sprite.
My neighbors complained that I never mow my lawn. So I started mowing. The cops showed up at 3 a.m.. These neighbors are never happy...
I want to know what horrific ideas were rejected before they decided "Vagisil" was the best possible brand name?
The saddest thing about St. Patrick`s Day is taking down all my Christmas decorations.
Why do people say ``I saw it with my own eyes." Do they sometimes use other peoples eyes?
Liquid sanity: I call it alcohol..!!
Don`t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
There`s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed...