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Who needs dance lessons when you`ve got alcohol?!
I got drunk last night and watched the most hilarious television show for hours until I sobered up and realized it was just a mirror.
To error is human, to forgive is divine, to keep your damn mouth shut is much appreciated.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Me: "The only person I need in my life is you." Bartender: "Please stop trying to hold my hand."
There`s never been a lazier group of people than the ones that settled on naming a candy bar "Whatchamacallit."
My New Year`s resolution was to lose 15 lbs by the middle of February. I have 20 lbs. to go.
So, I hear Colorado`s population has increased 420%.
I think I have an urge to get up and clean the house. Wait...no, false alarm.
One day I shall rule the World! Until then, I`m going to bed
If a man says you`re ugly, he`s being mean. If a woman says you`re ugly, she`s jealous. If a little kid says you`re ugly, then you`re ugly.
The first rule of elevator club is don`t talk to other members of elevator club.
When dealing with women, you can either be right or get laid. You can`t have both.
I`m thinking one of us should probably break the news to the phone book makers that there`s this thing called Google now
I went to the Dr today with severe headaches .. he asked if I suffered from any memory loss. I said "How the F would I know?"