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Hey movie villains - make a bomb where the wires are all one color.
My dog acts like his entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
Today is one of those “yeah, I’m not getting anything done” kind of days.
Todays Relationships: You can touch each other but not each others phones.
I used to drink a lot in the 80s. Then I realized, who cares what the temperature is?
If you are used to seeing a fat, naked guy walk around his house, then you are probably my neighbor.
"Trust your gut" is terrible advice. How can I put trust in something that tells me to eat an entire pizza when I get drunk?
Do you remember that creepy guy who stood behind you on a train 6 years ago and was smelling your hair? Hi!
One day I shall rule the World! Until then, I`m going to bed
I`m off to bed. For those of you who wish to add a touch of authenticity to your fantasies, the sheets are pale blue...
When children shy away, I say, "I don`t bite. Not hard anyway!" Then I laugh and bite them hard. They need to understand life`s not easy.
There I was, watching a advertisement when a YouTube video rudely interrupts it...
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says "and I didn`t brush my teeth, either."
The girl next door looks over at me, then her phone, then makes a disgusted look on her face. I think she`s just found my Facebook account
FACT: There’s always room for another cupcake.