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If you look in the mirror and say "Taylor Swift" three times, she magically appears then breaks up with you. What do u know next? You`re a song!
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
I drink to make other people interesting.
Yeah, I was dropped as a baby. Into a pool of sheer awesome.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
I think my problem is that I have really fantastic bad ideas…
I just went into an AOL chat room to ask someone how to start a fire with sticks.
“Let’s eat, get drunk and watch people exercise” – sports fans
Paintball is much more fun when the other people at Walmart don’t know we are playing.
You`ll notice you never see sweatpants with "Classy" written across the butt.
For some reason, I`m an extremely secretive person. Don`t ask me why!
I just kicked a can in my driveway and somehow ended up with a goal against Brazil.
Truthfully, I`d like you all a whole lot better if you were bacon.
If you think your girlfriend has a great sense if humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes.