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My wife’s new cooking show will be called, "Do you smell Something Burning?"
Valentines Day is the only day of the year that the guy with the smallest package gets the girl.
Hi can you fill this prescription please? Sir this is just a post-it note with `give me the good stuff` written on it.
My medical ID bracelet says "just let it happen"
Success sleeps with u in private. Failure insults u in public ! Aa
Sometimes I wanna copy someone´s status word for word and see if they notice.
I enjoy long romantic walks to the fridge.
If I ever sound inspriational, one of us is drunk.
I read my kids a few select facebook statuses before bed, kiss them on their heads, and whisper, "This is why we have to stay in school"
I’m the king of balancing more trash on top of an already full trash can.
This cashier looked at my 12 bottles of weed spray so weirdly, I suspect she`s never broken a lawnmower before.
When a girl says: "If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best"... What she really means is: "I`m a f*ckin psycho."
Apparently, you shouldn’t ask your wife if she’s off her meds more than once a week…
I have found my sleep number and it is eleven, eleven beers.
It`s not you, it`s me. I can`t stand you.