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I`m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist....
Still waiting for a Discovery Channel "How It`s Made" episode on babies.
I had a terrible dream about mufflers and now I`m exhausted.
My business card is just a label I peeled off a beer bottle.
I enjoy long romantic walks to the fridge.
My sleep number is 151 ... Bacardi 151
I prefer not to think before I speak. I like being just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.
No heel is too high when pointed up at the ceiling.
I have difficulty sleeping at night because I lay awake obsessing over life`s mysteries, like how exactly does paper beat rock.
The only way I know if I`ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger
Time to get Star Spangled hammered. Happy 4th you crazy Americans.
I like to gaze up at the stars at night and think about how somewhere there is intelligent life that hates doing laundry as much as I do.
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn’t doing his part of the chores around here.
Getting another set of teeth would be much more useful at age 60 than age 6.
I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night…he hypnotized 7 guys…then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled F*CK ME ... what happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life