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If you`re out running in jeans, I`m gonna go ahead and assume you just participated in a felony.
Picking out the right Christmas tree is a science. Sneaking into your neighbor`s yard to cut it down is an art.
Are you reading this from a toilet? I’m writing this from one.
When I buy a horse, I`ll call it `MY FACE`..imagine all the ladies screaming `come on my face`
Gray hair is the human body`s equivalent of low toner.
I knew I`d be a great parent. Kids aren`t nearly as difficult to take care of as my drunk friends.
I`ve just released my own fragrance...No one on the bus seems to like it though.
That amazing moment when you smack the remote and it actually works!
Matt Damon is set to play an all-action version of Jesus in his new Easter based Biblical film, "Bourne Again Christian".
I go into Best Buy and ask "Where are your most expensive yet least guarded items?" Then someone is always nearby when I have questions.
Covers on, too hot. Covers off, too cold. One foot out would prolly be ok, but I don’t wanna be dragged from bed paranormal activity style.
Sometime you have to hand it to short people ... because they can`t reach.
people say nobody`s perfect..i made nobody!..
I didn’t sell my soul to the devil….we worked out a rent-to-own deal.
Women forgive and forget but always make sure you don`t forget that they forgave you and forgot about it.