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My Christmas tree smells like pine, and is hanging from the shift lever in my car.
Someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
A comprehensive list of the things women have taught me: 1) I`m wrong.
The IRS suggests filing early to reduce the chance that someone will steal your identity and file before you. Honestly, if somebody wants my identity so badly they`ll file my tax return for me, go crazy. You can mow my lawn while you`re at it, too.
Sorry I kept stopping erratically. I was pumping SCREW YOU in Morse Code with my brake lights.
My favorite beer is an open one.
Knock knock Who`s there? Control Freak. Now you say "Control Freak who?"
Whenever I`m feeling down... I try to make sure my nails are clipped.
When I ask a girl I like why she and her ex broke up and she says "we just didn`t work out" I already know I have no chance since I hate working out
Keep scrolling , I got nothing.
Here`s to all the kids who have never found their name on anything in a souvenir store
If you`re in WalMart and you`re holding in a fart, just remember, YOU`RE IN WALMART!!
I find myself highly addicted to books as of late. Once I start coloring the first few pages I can`t stop....
If I ever get arrested I am going to ask for a status update instead of a phone call.
I`ve always wondered is jellyfish are sad because there are no peanut butter fish.