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Have you noticed that tire stores never hang big banners that say "Blowout Sale"?
I lent my girlfriend ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now she left me and I don’t know what she looks like.
Listening to your wife is like reading the terms and conditions of a website. Sometimes you understand nothing, and still you say..."I Agree".....!
I wish I could have the Price Is Right audience around whenever I`m making important life decisions.
I’m not so much goofing off as impersonating upper management.
These people keep looking at me like I`m the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Acting like a mature adult is super easy if you hate having fun.
My friend told me he`s going to have a sex change. Apparently, he just wants to eat, drink, and be Mary.
I didn`t fall. The floor just needed a hug.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Do not put off until tomorrow what you can put off indefinitely.
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,…Why don’t you ever smile in my pictures?
Don`t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like "always punch holes in the box so they can breathe."
That awkward moment when kids see a toy they want on TV but the can`t get it because their parents must be 18 or older.
Garage sales are the gateway drug to Walmart.