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To be honest, I panic a bit right before I have to pronounce Worcestershire sauce.
My friend is a magician, she can turn anything into an argument.
Do you ever get that feeling that you are being watched? Because if it is bothering you, I can stop.
I was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, "A way out" wasn`t the right answer.
One day, I`m gonna wait for the Wal-Mart greeter to go on a bathroom break, step in their place, and begin welcoming everyone to K-mart.
Say what you will about women but I think being able to turn one sentence into a six hour argument takes talent.
Women have a lot more experience dealing with bloodstains than men. Men are convicted of murder a lot more than women. Coincidence?
On Mondays I like to reply to all my bosses emails with `unsubscribe`
Facebook: Wasting peoples lives since 2004
I think you know you’ve got a problem when every letter of the alphabet triggers a porn bonanza in your address bar.
"There`s strength in numbers" I whisper to my 9th slice of pizza.
Saw a bug crawling on my arm and my reaction can only be described as “grabbing for swirling dollars inside a plexiglas Cash Cube.”
I wonder how many people read my statuses and say `I hope he`s getting professional help`?
On the bright side, my coffee will never get cold in hell.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the whatever.