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If it weren`t for WebMD I would have never known what symptoms to mimic so I could get all these prescriptions from my doctor.
Dear food, Either stop being so delicious or stop making me fat.
Playing Frisbee with a five year old is amazingly similar to just running after a Frisbee.
The black sheep always have the best stories.
I can`t be trusted with your alphabet magnets.
Does a transformer get car insurance or life insurance?
Instead of cleaning the house I just watch an episode of Hoarders and I think WOW, my house really looks great.
I miss times when I was working at the zoo... my boss fired me just because I left the lion`s gate open.... I mean who would steal a lion
Remember when the scariest thing we had to deal with was computers forgetting what year it was
With names like "Batman" and "Robin", you`d think they could fly...
I just got an email telling me how I can have fuller, firmer breasts. I can`t wait to show them to my wife!!
This could be the best day ever… but it isn’t. Again.
I decided to bury the hatchet with that neighbor I never got along with. After all, it is the murder weapon.
Great friends never let you do stupid things......alone
The Family Reunion went pretty good until they all figured out that I wasn`t related to any of them