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It’s called karma, and it’s pronounced “haha! Screw you!”
This salad is delicious, probably because it`s a donut.
The worst thing about that guy who posts non-stop gym updates is that all that exercise is gonna make him live longer.
Phrases I hope to avoid in my obituary: “skeletal remains,” “dumpster,” “almost beyond recognition,” “dental records” and “shallow grave.”
Marriage tip: Don`t
You pay more attention to the TV than you do me! - Ma`am, do you want me to fix your cable or not?
I`m not fat. My stomach is in 3D
I`ve already had two beers which automatically means my day is already better than yours.
This drag race is not at all what I expected. Are they in dresses inside of the cars, at least?
Current relationship status: Leaving pizza and beer in the bushes, to lure in stalkers.
I hate when I’m walking into the gym and the wind blows me into the liquor store.
I want my children to have all the things I never had so then I can move in with them.
You should never answer your phone during sex, particularly if it`s your wife calling.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
I wonder if Oscar the Grouch has a hipster cousin somewhere that lives in a recycling bin