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Note to self: It`s time to grow up, be responsible, and act like an adult. Self to Note: Shut the f*ck up.
As soon as the Zombie Apocalypse hits I`m grabbing a sledgehammer and heading down to the local cemetery for the greatest game of Whack-A-Mole ever.
You’d think with as much time women spend looking at their ass in the mirror, they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
Maybe it`s inappropriate for the first date but if there`s a maze on the menu I`m asking for crayons.
The ultimate home security system is having crappy stuff.
Sometimes, when people are talking to me, I daydream about what they would do if I suddenly punched them in the face.
It was all so different before everything changed.
If I had three wishes, I`d use one for boobs. Because I`m pretty sure I could get everything else that I wanted if I had boobs.
According to this BMI chart ... I am to short.
I was doing laundry today and accidentally left out a very large fart. 4 people turned around. For a minute, I thought I was on "The Voice".
When girls flash its called, "girls gone wild" when men flash its call ... "America`s most wanted"
The best revenge is to kidnap your enemy, tie him up, then pop bubble wrap in front of him and make him watch.
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
It would be funny if the husband is actually sleeping with the Jake from state Farm.
I`ll stop being so lazy when being so lazy stops being so awesome.!!