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When I was a kid they didn`t call it "Behavioral Disorders", They called it "Being a little brat".
Nothing says "I mean business" like bringing a shopping cart to the liquor store.
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.
If each day is a gift, I`d like to know where I can return Monday.
Attention fuels immaturity
Thank you Lord for this delicious meal we are about to Instagram.
I got in touch with my feminine side today... I made myself a sandwich.
It’s been close to a million years since I exaggerated about anything.
When the nurse calls my name at the doctor’s office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right.
I was going to do stand up comedy years ago but then I thought ...Ugghhh, standing...
Nothing says "under the thumb" like a joint Facebook account
My daughter said, "You`re the best mommy ever!" I`m really proud that she`s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
I don`t care if you wear footie pj`s or sleep with a Snuggie. If you swish Listerine in your mouth for the full 30 seconds, you are BADA$$.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.