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I like to play fetch with my cat....which, you know, is just me throwing stuff,,, followed by disappointment.
I have a feeling I already know which direction my "Get rich or die trying" lifestyle is headed.
Things are finally looking up for me. This Victoria`s Secret catalog just told me this is going to be "your sexiest year ever."
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you`re a terrible person and had it coming.
I would watch NASCAR if it was more like Mario Kart.
If I weren´t such an alcoholic I would throw my drink in your face
It`s so hot I have my air condition set on bankruptcy.
Did you know that doughnuts make your clothes shrink?
There are other things in life besides sex and alcohol. Those other things all suck, but they do exist, I assume.
I sometimes check my blocklist to see how my prisoners are doing
My bed and I are in a good relationship, and my alarm clock is so0o jealous...
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed a bottle of food coloring. The doctor says I`m OK, but I feel like I`ve dyed a little inside.
The Three Up`s in life: 1. Show 2. Keep 3. Shut
Driving a Dodge doesn`t automatically make you a defensive driver.
I don`t drink to feel better about myself. I drink to feel better about being with you