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My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
I don`t get personal trainers. I`ve never been exercising and thought "man, I wish someone hot was criticizing me right now."
My wife told me her favourite position is when i lay very very still for a few hours........late at night....until the alarm clock goes off in the morning.
Nothing says "I`m behind on child support." like 26" spinning rims on an 86 Chevy Malibu.
Passed a vampire, a zombie, and a prostitute on the way to work tonight. Not sure which ones were in costume…
The worst thing that can happen when you invite someone over to "watch a movie" is actually watching a movie.
About to stick a pin in your voodoo doll.... Brace yourself.
Dear YouTube, I will always “Skip this ad.”
If there`s a bar where everybody knows your name, you`re probably an alcoholic.
Every time I see an obese cop, a small part of me hopes he has to chase me.
I licked some of the frosting, but then I just ate the whole cake. No evidence. Problem solved.
My dance moves are somewhere between “dog being shocked by an electric fence” and “squirrel crossing the road.”
Twitter is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves.
Cute things to put in a letter to your boyfriend/girlfriend; I adore you. You complete me. Must stay 500 yards away at all times.