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I spend too much money on food to afford any diet program...
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
It’s the getting ahead that I’m running behind on.
I saw a midget carrying a tv to his car today. I said "hey, would you like some help with that plasma?" He said "f*ck off asshole, it`s an IPad!"
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
screw flowers, its all about chia pets ;)
The first guy who persuaded a blind guy to wear sunglasses, must have been a hell of a salesman.
A moment of silence to all the kids who can’t wait to become a teenager because they think it’s fun..
Adding “and sh!t” at the end of a sentence can make anything sound thug. Example: “I was playing with my bubbles and sh!t.”
I spend hours on Facebook and then think, “Well, that was pointless”
You’ve never truly lived until someone has posted a sign because of something you’ve done.
The lady next to me in the elevator told me to press One. That was the last thing I remembered
Any convenience store that requires the customer to wear pants isn’t convenient at all.
I`m out like a fat kid playing dodge ball..
MY MISSION IS COMPLETE!!! I have successfully wasted a little bit of your time today :) carry on!