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The expiration date on my credit card is 4/20 and it always gets a good laugh when Im ordering pizza for delivery.
What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles?
I`ve disappointed a lot of people in my life, you`re not special.
Kiss her in the middle of her sentence so you don`t have to hear what she`s talking about.
"10 Totally Epic Reasons Why You`re Going Straight to Hell" - 2013 version of Ten Commandments
There`s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Nothing says "high-functioning alcoholic" like being really good at darts.
I`ve taken my kids all over the country, but their favorite place to be is still "in the way."
I got drunk last night and my house wasn`t where I left it.
First world problems: I couldn’t hear the TV so I had to stop eating chips.
Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags in their house, or is it just me?
There are a lot of side effects to smoking weed. Like never shutting up about the fact that you smoke weed.
My mind has a mind of its own.
Save some time and just put your Taco Bell directly in the toilet.
Please ignore this status, I am standing alone and I don`t want to seem like a total loner, so I am making it look like I am texting