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If anyone every texts me "who is this" I always respond "Jake from State Farm"
Never seen anyone jogging and smiling, so that’s all I need to know about that.
My life is like a romantic comedy expect there’s no romance and it’s just me laughing at my own jokes
You`d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car ... But I won`t
Next time you’re asked “What’s Up” respond “A delightful animated film about a young boy and an old man who fly away to an exotic place in a balloon house.”
I wonder how long I`d be on hold if my call wasn`t important to them.
When I drink I become everybody`s friend which makes up for my hating everybody when I`m sober.
I would have a girlfriend but finding someone who likes to be ignored is hard.
Haters gunna hate,potatoes gunna patate!!
A pretty important part of being a dad is waiting in the car.
Dear McDonalds cashier, Don`t give me that look, there`s no age limit on a happy meal. Sincerely, don`t forget the toy b!tch.
The trick is not let anyone know how really weird you are until it’s too late to back out.
people say that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, but it`s the only way I can talk to you.
I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean and people think I’m joking.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I`m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that`s cheating?