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Be the reason someone smiles today. Or the reason they drink. You choose your own adventure.
World Cup Soccer? If I wanted to watch someone struggle to score for 90 minutes, I`d go watch some of my single friends at the bar.
I`ve always wondered how the job application process at Hooters works. Do they give you a bra and orange shorts and say, "Here, can you fill these both out"?
I changed the audio of my GPS to a man`s voice. Now it just says "It`s around here somewhere. Keep driving for a little while."
From now on when someone asks you where you`re from look them dead in the eye and say: Planet Venus.
My anaconda really doesn`t care if you got buns or not.
It’s called “Karma” and it’s pronounced “Haha, f*ck you!”.
Call me old school, but cigarettes should not have USB ports
Actually, when I went to New Orleans, I blacked out too.
Screw it, just add another blade." -Gillette marketing concepts.
If you want to call a family meeting just turn off the wifi router and wait in the room in which it is located
I get paid to be nice at work. Not sure why my family and friends expect that for free.
My penis was in the Guinness book of World Records. Then the librarian told me I had to take it out before she called security.
Growing up teachers always told me there was no such thing as a stupid question. Eight years in retail has determined that was a lie.
Laughter is the best medicine, but if you are laughing for no reason, you might need medicine.