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one of the Olsen twins got married earlier today! when the fiance was asked "which one???" he replied "who cares???"
I just noticed me saying "LOL" everytime I`m laughing = facebook addict...lmao :)
You know you are old when people keep telling you how young you look.
If you still pay for porn I just want you to know I have a butter churner and an abacus for sale.
If I were invisible I`d go beat up a street mime...the applause he would get would be incredible
The next time there`s an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
This might be my ego talking, but I feel my weight-loss spambot followers care about me. They really, really, do.
My shrink says if I take these pills I won`t see you guys anymore.
If animals spoke our language we`d be in their debt because they`d have some seriously incriminating dirt on all of us.
I`m only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand
Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
I wonder if birds look at planes and think "man, I`ve really got to hit the gym"
Turns out a crash diet doesn`t mean having vodka with every meal and falling down the stairs at noon!
I`m surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I`ve dropped my phone.
For once I would like to see a horoscope that says, "You`re totally f*cked this month"