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BEST PICK UP LINE: You would probably sleep better tonight if we had sex.
This town has more white trash in it than a dumpster behind a paper plate factory
Is "drunk" an emotion? Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now...
Now that the Summer is over, I can finally stop pretending to be on a diet
“Get your panties in a bunch” would make a great slogan at Costco.
We are guaranteed "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness". So, why did happiness get a Lamborghini and I got a `74 Pinto?????
I regret buying that straight jacket now. I thought it would look good on me but I just couldn`t pull it off...
I need my coffee before I start pretending to work.
Does this couch I’m laying on make me look unmotivated?
I decided to bury the hatchet with that neighbor I never got along with. After all, it is the murder weapon.
Just stopped by my old high school and updated my phone number on all the bathroom stalls.
Apparently, "I Know" is not a good answer when your friend tells you how good his girlfriend is in bed.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Hello? HP? I’d like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet but you sent me a printer.
I`m smiling, that alone should scare you.