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Balloons think they’re so cool. I tried to tell one he was leaking and he just said, “Pfft.”
I can`t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
I want to start a womans magazine called "Period". ..then every few months I`ll send it out late JUST to freak them out. ;)
You know its bad when you feel like your life is being directed by Quentin Tarantino.
I`ve been holding my stomach in for 3 years now so don`t talk to me about dedication!
If your wife asks you if you know where the broom is, it`s not a good idea to ask her if she is going somewhere.
I would’ve slept my way to the top years ago if it actually involved sleeping.
Frankly auto correct,I`m getting tired of your shirt.
In case I drink too much and pass out for a while, Happy New Year you guys.
I don`t even think it`s possible for a bear to cook porridge.
Free middle fingers for everyone!!!
The word "Saturday" has "turd" in it. Good luck trying to ignore that for the rest of your life, starting now.
Everytime I see a person jogging I already know they have facebook, everyone on facebook works out.
I`m a little Stressed right now ... Just turn around and leave quietly and no one gets hurt.