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That mini heart attack you get when the parked car next to you moves and you think you’re moving.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
I`m 28 years old, but in marriage years, I`m dead on the inside.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of "capes in the toilet water" accidents when they went to take a dump.
It`s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
I do 5 sit ups daily. It might not sound like much, but there`s only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
my phone battery lasts longer than relationships this days !
I`m in my 30`s, but I still feel like I`m in my 20`s until I hang out with people in their 20`s and I`m like, "nope, I`m in my 30`s"
Some guy waved to me and then walked up and said, “Sorry, I thought you were someone else.” .... I said, “I am.”
What scares me most is that some people think I actually know what I’m doing.
You`ve already put up your Christmas tree? That`s nothing. I`m already drunk for St. Patrick`s Day.
I`m laying on my yoga mat making up fake poses to fit my current activity level. Right now I`m in "downward facing chalk outline".
Today I have been sober for 100 days. Not, like, in a row or anything. Just in total.
I think the saying "every man for himself" was made up by women tired of making sandwiches.