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I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion, the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
Just seen a sign reading "PAY ATTENTION WHILE WALKING your Facebook status update can wait". While on Facebook on my phone. While walking...
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very real.
I wanted to say thank you to all the people who gave me a reason to drink this Friday night.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
That amazing moment when you smack the remote and it actually works!
"Is that for here or to go?" —Real estate agent selling a mobile home
We`re all mature until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap...
I love when bill collectors ask if you can borrow the money...uh I did that before and I think we both know how that turned out.
If someone tells you “it’s better than sex” they’re not doing the sex right.
Today is a great day. The mailman just delivered me an Iron Maiden cassette, which finally fulfills my Columbia House commitment.
You know what I hate? People who answer their own questions.
I am upping my standards.. so up yours!
Don’t let anybody push you around ... unless you’re in a wagon, cuz that is just plain fun.
I always drink responsibility I make sure that someone is responsible for buying me drinks.