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It`s getting warm out. I can finally get back to smacking people and blaming it on mosquitos!
If its so great outside why do bugs try to get in my f*cking house?
The world would be a much nicer place if everyone took a chill pill. It would be even better if some of them choked on it.
2 words, 1 finger.
More often than not, the excitement of a Facebook friend request dies upon discovering who it is.
To drink, or not to drink?...what a stupid question!
Why do cops ask us why we think they pulled us over? It`s their job. I dont go to the station and ask why they think I created a powerpoint.
Simply amazing how one word spoils the whole sentence: I’m getting laid.....off.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
I`m as conflicted as a strip club addict with a glitter allergy.
I feel like dinner parties are secretly competitions about who watches the most news and documentaries
There are no problems which cannot be solved through suitable application of high explosives.
GIRLS: To make a guy panic, simply ask, " Notice anything different?`... works EVERY time
There’s so many people I’d love to get the silent treatment from
Some people are flirting with my delete & block button