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I`d be willing to sleep my way to the top if it actually meant sleeping.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
I got drunk last night and my house wasn`t where I left it.
Coffee: fueling you for a job you can`t stand to support a life you never wanted. Tastes good though...
I`m for driverless cars, but honestly, having to drive is the only thing standing in the way of me being a complete drunk piece of sh!t 24/7
The irony of all this is, the internet was created to save us time…
I`m certain that the reason for Wasps, Hornets, and Yellowjackets was to remind grown men that they can still scream like a little girl.
I just googled "Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don`t Fear the Reaper?" and my first response was, "Go outside and do something."
I wish that we lived in a world where a chicken could cross the road without getting its motives questioned.
When I get bored I go to a car dealership and ask the salesman to lay in the trunk so I can "see how many I`ll be able to fit"
You know one thing i really like about you is that you dont like anything about me.
She’s thinking about having beer pong at her reception… that’s walking a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Note to self: you never read these notes so stop writing them.
People go to the bar hoping for 2 things...to get hammered or to get nailed.