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Some people look for a perfect relationship, but all I want is a cheeseburger that looks like the ones on commercials!
What happens on online stays online, forever and ever.
Stop asking why I’m still single. I don’t ask how you’re still married.
Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it`s strapped to the top of someone`s car.
I`m not a father, but I have been called "daddy" a few times.
I once shot a man with a paintball gun just to watch him dye.
The guy behind me honked a nanosecond after the light turned green. So I put on my flashers and here I sit, tweeting about the whole thing
In retrospect, replying "Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory", probably wasn`t the best way to respond to my therapist.
heyy lol
Adam Levine beating me out for sexiest man contest is complete bullsh*t.
I am hungry 25 hours a day
Do you ever look through old pictures and wonder, “Where the hell did that shirt go?”
Running behind is my cardio.
The most impressive thing about marathon runners is how they don’t check their phone for 3 hours.
Hello, fire department? Is this Mr. February? Yeah, I`m stuck in a tree. Uh, I mean... meooow.