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Meanwhile, Somewhere farther down on your timeline, your aunt just posted the "Footprints" poem on your wall again.
I`ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she`s a woodpecker.
My anaconda will take whatever it can get at this point.
On the subject of sex, my parents told me `the man goes on top, and the woman underneath.` No wonder I got divorced. For 3 years my ex-wife and I slept in bunk beds.
Haters gonna hate, your honor
I always see more people walking into Sam`s Club than out of Sam`s Club, but the meat`s cheap, so I don`t ask questions.
If you`re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
I would like to think I will die a heroic death, but it`s more likely I`ll trip over my dog and choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Make a random stranger`s day by walking up to them and saying "This isn`t real. You have to wake up"
Those who tell you not to run with scissors are just trying to steal your scissors. Run.
Preheating an oven requires too much commitment.
If my memory gets any worse I`ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
Just saw the first duckface of Spring.
Dear Dr Phil, I was watching my next door neighbor`s wife sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was enjoying myself I turned to notice my lady was just standing there, arms folded...watching me. Is she a pervert?
If you don`t remember her name in the morning, take her to Starbucks.