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Alcohol won’t solve your problems, but neither does milk or orange juice.
If I could only use one word to describe myself, it would probably be: "not good at following directions".
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
All I`m saying is, I`ve never seen my ex and Satan in the same room together.
I`m confused, oh wait, maybe I`m not.
Drinking coffee in the afternoon is like eating the mushroom that makes you big in Super Mario.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills... I almost responded
The bed is always the comfiest right at the time you are supposed to be getting out of it
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Hate to break it to you mom, but my friends do not care if my room is messy, They care whether or not there’s food
None of my coworkers get why I have fishbowl with no fish. It`s because fish can`t survive in my secret reservoir of vodka.
If my life was a GPS it would constantly be recalculating
I’m so happy people can’t hear what I’m thinking.
When I was little I didn`t care about things like what to wear, my parents dressed me. Looking back at some of my old pictures, it`s obvious that my parents didn`t care either.
Next time I`m on an elevator with four or more strangers, I`m going to turn around and say, "I`m sure you`re wondering why I`ve gathered you all here."