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I am trying my very best to get into the holiday spirit but I cant open the damn bottle.
They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.
Strangers are like birds. If you run at them screaming and waving your arms they will run away.
Make Tomorrow More Fun: Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says “now voice activated!” Sit back & watch the magic unfold
Whats the definition of a tree? Something that stands still for forty years then suddenly jumps out in front of a woman driver.
It doesn`t matter if the shoe fits or not, I`m still shoving it up your a$$.
"Polar bears can`t jump." - Black bears
My internet went down. By which I mean my neighbors changed their password.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You`re annoying enough as it is
I`m absolutely nailing this "I give a sh!t" face today!
My illusion of having the Force is crushed the minute the remote is slightly out of reach.
If there’s one thing that having kids will teach you, it’s home repair.
Best part of living alone...clothing optional ;)
The biggest lie I tell myself is: “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”
“I’m going to be a little bit late” -people that are going to be very late