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I always get hammered before I go jogging, that way I never go jogging.
I have a great relationship with Alcohol..
I would like to wish all of the groundhogs a very safe and happy Groundhogs Day.
Beer and a 44 magnum with an everclear shot makes everything good like Nintendo
Unsettling sounds #23 - Ice-cream van after dark
So many feelings today. Mostly hunger.
Sometimes I stand in front of the mirror naked just to remind myself what nobody`s getting.
I’m sorry I slapped you. It’s just you seemed like you weren’t going to stop talking and I panicked.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I`m looking for the thumbs-down button.
I love everybody. Some I love to be around. Some I love to avoid. And some I’d love to punch them in the face.
The only thing worse than having it rain after you wash your car is have to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.
The older I get the more use I have for the phrase "bite me."
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice ... it`s cuz you have really nice tits.
You trust me holding your child? Do you know how many iPhone screens I’ve cracked?
“I’m not washing it, I’m just gonna shove it in a pony.” If you’re a girl, that sentence is actually ok.