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You can learn a lot about a girl by ignoring her text messages.
I have a feeling my dying words will be "Honey, I was just joking."
Difference between men and women: Women can change their mind whenever they want. Men can change their mind whenever the woman wants.
I like to keep my friends close, and my attractive friends even closer.
I love slip on shoes because you can slip them off just as easy to hit stupid people with them.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Three guys walk into a bar. Two ended up with a concussion, the other needed 4 stitches.
Admit it, at some point in time you’ve tried to see if you had superpowers.
I’m not a comedian. I don’t tell jokes. I just tell the truth in a way it sounds funny.
Trust me , as you get to know me , i just get weirder.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave. Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
If there`s a bar where everybody knows your name, you`re probably an alcoholic.
The hardest part of parenting is standing idly by while your children build a mediocre couch fort.
Roger that command center, we have arrived at our destination and will commence countdown..............Sir this is McDonalds how may I help you
I`ve run out of things to be upset about. I hope Justin Bieber has kids soon.