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I do whatever the little voices tell me to do.
My mother always told me to never quit something I`m good at. So here is to her for making me realize that i`m good at being drunk!
We can`t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
There is no such thing as bad luck, there is good luck and life!
I bet the hardest part of working the poison control hotline is not finishing your sentences with "...you ignorant dumbass"
If you are used to seeing a fat, naked guy walk around his house, then you are probably my neighbor.
We`re all just nudists in disguise.
Why do crutons come in resealable bags? Are we really worried about them going stale?
45 minutes on the treadmill is no big deal if you don`t turn it on
Have you ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you´ve had?
I have no idea what a bejeezus is,,, but apparently mine scares easy.
My New Years resolution is to stop procrastinating so much.
This cold weather makes me half the man I used to be.
I wonder if New York people find it weird to watch their own city being destroyed in Hollywood movies so many times..!!
The odds of winning the lottery are 1 in 10 million. The odds of being the fastest sperm are 1 in 300 million. You`d think that with those odds, you`d win the lottery 30 times in your life.