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When I hear a person say "My Mom didn`t raise no dummy", I feel like saying "She lied to you"
"Trust me, you can dance." -Vodka
My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying ~ don`t run into anyone you know.
Screw you, regular cars that look like police cars. Also vice versa.
A gentle reminder about Daylight Savings Time: If you thought last Monday sucked, this one will prove to be much, much worse.
Some of the best things in life...are mistakes.
Whenever I read: "Do not exceed recommended dose" I always think, "Challenge accepted!"
Never send in a beer to do the work of a tequila shot.
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
I`m just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.
My wife told me that her favorite position is when I lay very very still wearing a toe tag and she starts dating again
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress so that I’ll have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
Tonight I’m going to have my favorite drink. It’s called “a lot.”
7.1 billion people in the world. 0 willing to lower their standards and date me.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they´re going to be when you kill them.