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When I say "I cleaned my room", I usually mean I made a path from my door to my bed.
There’s nothing better than a nap after a good nights sleep.
Congratulations, U.S. Government, you are now officially more embarrassing than Miley Cyrus
My internet went down. By which I mean my neighbors changed their password.
I bet acting like azzholes on the Internet all day wasn`t where most of us visioned our lives to be right now.
I hate when men`s restrooms have no urinals and a bunch of women in them.
Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes...
I only use elevators for one thing. Surprise group hugs
Telling people your phone is gonna die, But you really just don’t want to text them.
I`ve never heard an alarm going off on a car worth stealing.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, "Looks like Santa lost his temper again."
Friday Night Inspirational Message: You miss 100% of the shots you don`t drink.
After reading some marriage post, I`m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
All I need right now is a hug ... And five hundred thousand dollars in cash.
There is no such thing as something looking "Too good to eat"