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You are wasting your time reading this status.
If I had any self control I`d probably eat that too.
There are now 4 sides to every story. Yours, mine, the truth & the Internets version.
My doctor says each piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off your life... If my math is right, I should`ve died in 1781...
"That wasn`t chicken in the Chow Mein" I`d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Apparently, 4 people die every year trying to put their pants on... - me, explaining to my (ex)boss why I went in with no pants
One of the things I like to say to a girl after we have sex for the first time is "Hmm, damn weird... I heard you were better."
The songs I like always come on when I’m supposed to be getting out of my car.
Fitness? More like fitness whole cheesecake in my mouth.
"That looks interesting. I think I`ll eat it." - Sharks and Toddlers
I’ve finally decided to do something about my weight ... Lie.
I`m known all over the world for my exaggerations.
The worst form of Alzheimer’s is when you walk out of the kitchen and forget to grab a beer.
I’m not positive that having the TV volume on an odd number will destroy the world, but lets not risk it.
Every store should have one line for people who have their sh!t together.