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More food should come with prizes inside it.
Live today like it`s your last!! But pay your bills and use a condom just in case it isn`t.
My face is a 4, my personality is a 6, so basically, I`m a 10.
No one needs a vacation from me more than me.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
I have never walked toward the exit of a supermarket without nervously wondering if I`ve stolen something.
I took up the game of Golf recently. . .but I had too much trouble getting through that windmill.
There’s really no reason to repeat yourself. I ignored you just fine the first time.
When I`m older, I`m going to buy one of those Volkswagen Bugs. Only because I have a excuse to hit my wife every time we go somewhere.
You`d think the chances of putting in a USB drive wrongside-up would be 50-50, but nope, 90-10.
They say that alcohol kills slowly. So what! Who wants to be in a hurry?!?
When I order pizza online and there’s a “Notes” box I put “Ring bell, Cross moat, SLAY DRAGON”
Picture a scavenger hunt where the only items on the list are "your house keys" and "your house." Well, son, that`s what drinking is like.
Good job on the speed traps, cops – How are the murderer traps coming along?
I really don`t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she`s at least 18.