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Happy 1 year anniversary to the Lean Cuisine in my freezer!
Have you hugged you bartender today.
Sorry I pissed you off, but I find you much more entertaining this way.
I beat my chess opponent in less than five moves with the chair I was sitting on!
Facebook is basically just you having a conversation with yourself hoping that someone else will join in.
Hey Journey, I stopped believing. What now?
I wonder how long I`ll be skinny from all this dieting and juicing I`ve been doing. 1 month? A year? A couple of ye....ooh look cake.
I`m getting so many spam emails. “Grow Your Hair Back”…”Lose weight now” …”Enlarge your manhood”… Wait… these are from my wife.
I`m getting sick of these porn sites listing my videos as "amateur".
Single women come home, see what`s in the fridge and go to bed...while married women come home see what`s in the bed and go to the fridge.
The more I drink the better my Idea`s seem to get.
The guy behind me honked a nanosecond after the light turned green. So I put on my flashers and here I sit, tweeting about the whole thing
Top three reasons he doesn`t text you back: 1. He`s just not that into you 2. He`s imaginary 3. He`s a cat
my doctor says I have the body of a 20 year old, the mind of a 30 year old and the wisdom of a someone twice my age, to which my husband asked " What did he say about your fat ass?" I said to my husband, "Oh , the doctor didn`t say anything about you dear!".
You want to see Americans become activists? Cancel a TV show they like.