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Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness has never danced in the rain.
The best thing about the internet is how quickly you can offend the maximum amount of people with minimum effort
I`ve been told that I never take responsibility for anything, and it`s all your fault.
By the time someone says something in the meeting worth writing down, I`ve likely already taken my pen apart and lost the spring.
Is there ever a day when mattresses are not on sale?
The problem with plants is that you have to water them… like more than once apparently.
m for Monday t for Tuesday wtf Wednesday Thursday Friday get it wtf
Woke up to gun shots this morning. Luckily my wife has horrible aim.
Stress balls work best when you shove them down somebody`s throat.
Spring cleaning: The term that gives us an excuse to only clean once a year.
If you see someone crying, ask them if it is because of their haircut.
I just got a piece of mail that says "open immediately" but I`m gonna wait a few minutes.
I had my Crayola guy re-run the numbers,,, and there`s only 36 shades of grey
They`re teaching kids that abstinence is 100% more effective in preventing pregnancy than birth control, try telling that one to Jesus`s mother!
I`m so deep in the friendzone that I`ve met her boyfriends parents