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We live in an era of smart phones and stupid people.
Let`s simplify this. Deliver a pizza to me every night unless I call.
What`s the right age to stop running naked from the bedroom to the bathroom?
Remember ladies, if on your 10th selfie you don’t have the perfect one to post you’re really just ugly.
If you can`t remember my name, just say `donuts`.... I`ll turn around and look.
The trouble with bucket seats is that, not everybody has the same size bucket.
Why can`t Miss Piggy count to 100? Cuz` when she gets to 69, she gets a frog in her throat!
My friend told me he`s going to have a sex change. Apparently, he just wants to eat, drink, and be Mary.
"Hey homie!" - How I greet my house whenever I arrive.
People really need to get with the times. Smartphones are not for talking anymore.
Make BIG mistakes in life. Those people are remembered forever. On Youtube.
Hey mother in law.... Don`t tell me how to raise my kids. Im still trying to raise yours.
The beeping noise from microwave is always 100x’s louder at night.
Whenever a wrong number calls me and hangs up I always call em back and tell them it was their loss because I`m really fun to talk to.
Attention...my facebook page has been hacked. But everyone seems to like the new guy better, me too actually...so f**k it!