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Maybe I`m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Pro tip: The kids run around a little longer if you forget to hide the eggs
Walked into the kitchen for orange juice; walk out with sandwich, crackers, chocolate milk, and the TV remote I lost 30 minutes ago
I put a pair of boots in the bathroom stall at work so nobody else will use the stall that I like to use.
The problem is I have just enough money to get into trouble but not enough to make bail.
I have no problem admitting that you made a mistake.
The hardest part about being an adult is trying to hide how you`re still a child.
My dog is a typical guy, I talk to him and he’s all wagging his tail, but I know he’s not listening. I get it ladies.
I laughed more at the Broncos offense then I did at the commercials.
Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes...
Should hallways in mental institutes be called psycho-paths?
Whatever you do in life, always give 100%...unless you`re donating blood...
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put music they don’t like on
If anyone knows Phillip tell him I have a bunch of his screwdrivers.
Dear iPhone, Please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.