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I`m trying to save up enough money to one day afford to save up money.
Guy asked me where a public phone was. I told him 1987.
You know it`s a good night when you wake up with gum in your bellybutton.
It’s 2013, why does good food still have calories.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its belly and make a friend ... That trick rarely works on people.
It takes two people to lie....one to lie.....the other to listen
I ate gummy bears and didn`t bite off their heads or make screaming noises as they entered my mouth and I think this means I`m an adult now.
Any pencil can be a number two pencil if you eat it.
"There`s a sleeping person. Let`s go ask it questions." – Children
Just knowing that I have successfully pissed you off again makes my day.
Helpful Tip: You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Why do guys cheat on pretty girls with ugly ones...?
Jehovah`s witnesses would probably be welcomed into more houses if they brought booze or cookies.
If you`re feeling bored, find a group photo of four girls on instagram and then comment "you three look great!" Wait and grab popcorn.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?