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Showing cleavage doesn’t fix your face.
GF: Does this dress make my a$$ look big? BF: Nope Your A$$ makes the dress look big.
If playing Grand Theft Auto makes you violent, why hasn`t 25 years of me playing Madden made me a professional football player?
My email notification is a cricket sound that drives the wife crazy looking for the cricket. Winning!
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she`s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Now that the Summer is over, I can finally stop pretending to be on a diet
Somebody tell me how "Rub a dub dub, 3 men in a tub" became a nursery rhyme?
drink beer ?? save water
"is Pepsi ok?" - my coke dealer, tryin to be funny
Coffee keeps me busy until it`s time to be drunk.
If pi is 3.14, then I think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Always envied the kids who showed up to school with their 64 count Crayola crayons. If I wanted Burgundy or Salmon I had to ask in shame.
Reverse cowgirl. Perfect for when you`re horny, but can`t stand to look at each other !
Whoever said you can’t “like” your own status is just not awesome enough to do it.
Some people come into your life as blessings, others come into your life as lessons.