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Some people wouldn`t understand irony if it beat them over the head with a helmet.
Yeah but why do they call him Bigfoot if both of his feet are the exact same size
Yesterday I had to screw in a light bulb . Later, I crossed a road and walked into a bar. My life is a joke.
You and I are just different. And by different I mean you`re stupid.
I think the tie was invented by someone who wanted to express how he felt about work but thought an actual noose was too obvious.
I DON`T UNDERSTAND IT! WHY THE F*CK WOULD SOMEBODY BREAK INTO A HOUSE JUST TO STEAL A REMOTE CON - Never mind, I found it.
Christmas trees are like boobs...the fake ones are nice to look at... But the real ones are so much better
When it comes to tantrums, I throw like a girl.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
"Wow, that Hungry Man TV dinner sure lives up to its name!" said no hungry man ever.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
My GPS says "time of arrival" ... I see "time to beat."
Even if your life was a total waste of space, there’s always hope that you’ll die in a weird enough way to make a CSI episode.
What’s the difference between partly cloudy and partly sunny?
I`m surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I`ve dropped my phone.