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I don’t think it’s a coincidence that morning and mourning sound the same.
I always shout "PIZZA`S HERE" so the delivery guy doesn`t think I`m eating two pizzas by myself.
Don`t ask me how my night was coz I don`t know. I was asleep.
I wish I had a dollar for every dollar I don`t have.
I hate mixed messages. They`re great.
Bring a CD into my car that I "have to hear" and I`ll figure out a way to deploy the passenger side airbags
Its around this time each year that i just enjoy going outside and seeing my christmas lights already set up from the year before.
We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.
As I slid my finger slowly down her G string, I thought to myself "this is a nice guitar"
Did the Baha Men ever find their dogs? Did they put up posters or just sing that song?
Some of us are basically unpaid Facebook interns.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, "I think it`s Santa Claus!" so I don`t have to get up.
If I was gonna make a bomb, I`d use the same color wire for the whole thing.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.