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Turtles do nothing and are slow as hell, yet they live for like 200 years. I`ll probably live forever.
The first rule of selfie club should be to clean your room.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it`s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach`s.
If I had a dollar for everytime i thought of you, I would start thinking about you!
One advantage of growing old is you don`t have to worry about hackers stealing your nude pics out of the cloud.
Anyone else think there should be a sarcasm font?
I can`t wait to get all liquored up, and then go door-to-door to sing some Christmas Carols when it starts to warm up in April...
Sometimes it takes me a full 8 hours to get nothing done.
Went shopping alone and the cashier asked, "How are you guys doing?" Now I`m 90% sure he can see ghosts and one is following me around.
I`d like to thanks all the girls for wearing yoga pants. It is the only reason why we`re not complaining about how cold this winter it
After a night of heavy drinkin’ there’s one thing I can’t stand… and that’s up.
I may not be the only egomaniac around here, but I’m the only one that matters.
I’d steal a doughnut truck and attempt to outrun the cops, just to let people see a bunch of cops chasing a doughnut truck!
I have a "honk if you think I`m sexy" bumper sticker on my truck so that way on the way to work, if I`m not feeling to excited to be there, I sit at a green light until I feel better.
Ok ... I just had a talk with myself, and it did not go well. Now I`m grounded.