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LISTEN: It was sweet of you to suck the venom out of my snake bite, but if you really loved me... you would have swallowed.
I should run for political office just to see what kind of scandalous dirt they dig up. It would be nice to piece together my twenties.
Goodnight friends, strangers, pervs, weirdos and a$$holes, and anybody else I left out.
Sandals or shoes? I have adorable toes. All 12
If people are talking behind your back, then just fart.
Do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don`t have to be there
50 notifications later I regret ever commenting on your status.
Man I wanna throw a book at someones face and be like "I Facebooked you!"
Is the "D" in Donkey Kong a typo? It should have been Monkey Kong right? These are the things that keep me up at night.
If she owns more than 4 pairs of yoga pants, expect A LOT of text messages
I`m getting tired of having to write "Sent from my iPhone" at the end of all my e-mails. Maybe I should just get an iPhone.
Nobody tell my husband that "year round periods" aren`t a thing.
Kids today will never know the frustration of having to rewind their dads porn tapes to the exact same spot...
Don`t wait until you`re on your deathbed to tell people how you really feel because you could be too weak to raise your middle finger.
To the guy who invented Zero: Thanks for nothing!