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I can`t understand why women are okay that JCPenney has an older women`s clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."
Keep the dream alive......... Hit the snooze button.
Sure, I`ll go to your open bar and watch you get married.
Dear liver…. Here is an advance sorry for tonight… sincerely Jimmy…
House cleaning would go a lot faster if the spray bottles made laser gun sounds
Well, if anything, the Mayans did teach us one valuable lesson. If you don`t finish something...it`s really not the end of the world.
Wish I turned into a wolf every month instead of getting my period
Maybe the reason the world keeps making idiots famous is because 75% of the world is made up of idiots.
iPhone 6: For people who don`t mind holding an iPad up to their ear.
Dear Stomach: You`re bored, not hungry. Shut up.
Lay-Z: My rapper name.
Let`s drink till this day makes some sort of sense.
From 8am until 12pm, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch
Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza.
If I lived everyday like it was my last, the body count would be staggering.