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I love the show Gotham....OBSESSED!!! But they constantly have the Twitter hashtag #gotham in the corner of the screen, and I`m always thinking..."No I don`t have ham! But I want ham." Sometimes I miss parts of the showing thinking about the fact that I don`t have ham..... Obviously I need to have ham on the menu every Monday night. #noidontgotham
You can turn anything into a compliment if you`re delusional enough.
If she asks what the weight limit is on your ceiling fan.... She`s a keeper!
Have I posted my Alzheimers joke yet?
All this time I thought Bi-Polar was a big white bear with no sexual preference.
Guys, if my hair doesn`t look like a birds nest afterward, you`re doing it wrong.
I’ve already decided, if I ever go to The Price Is Right, I’m gonna “come on down” whether they call my name or not.
It`s not cellulite, it`s my body`s way of saying "I`m sexy" ... in braille.
How to meet a girl: 1) Walk into a bar. 2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.” 3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Just got a fortune cookie with no fortune in it ... Sounds about right for this Monday
Understanding women number 476,395: Women like to talk about their feelings.
I`ll bet whoever said "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" had just farted
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it`s my fault.
Write me your opinions on this extra soft paper and leave it next to my toilet.
You bring a baby monitor to the bar one time and everyone freaks out.