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I made Creme Brulee today. More food should require the use of a blow torch.
I once found a whip, a mask, a baton and handcuffs in my Mother-in-Law`s draw... who knew she was a superhero. Nice!!!
Work like you don`t have proof of citizenship, Love like you were on a reality TV show, and dance like you were being thrown 100 dollar bills at
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your room. Those bastards live forever.
Dogs love you even if you’re ugly.
My Ex updated her status to "standing on the edge of a cliff" So I "poked" her!
As funny as it might be, It`s never polite to yell "Tuba Lesson!" Before farting.
LOL` the biggest lie on the internet.
I’m no Dr. Phil, but I bet if you tell at least 5 people to f*ck off today, you’ll feel better.
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
It`s been rough today, right now I`m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
My entire existence is just me sitting around waiting to get hungry again.
Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I know where you can buy drugs"
Would you like a push on that mood swing of yours?