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My girlfriend said that I should use the term `make love` instead of `f*ck.` What the make love is she talking about?
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn`t hand out drugs.
In wine there is wisdom. In beer there is strength. In water there is bacteria. You decide.
Halloween is the perfect time to redistribute those undesired condiment packets of ketchup, mustard, BBQ & soy sauce.
Imagine all the amazing places you could take naps if you were Superman.
When I say “Nevermind.” I really mean you should’ve listened the first time.
I like candle lit dinners, romantic walks on the beach, and hardcore pornography.
The saddest thing about St. Patrick`s Day is taking down all my Christmas decorations.
My mom likes playing this game called `yell from four rooms away and get upset when I can`t hear her`.
If money can’t buy happiness explain pizza.
Organized people are just too lazy to look for things.
I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes and thought, "Wow, dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes.
Black Friday at my house consist of pants 100% off
Every time I almost think humanity will be okay, I see someone struggle with the self-checkout for 20 minutes.
Life is to short ... to waste time matching socks.