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I wear a cape when I`m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I`m going somewhere to fight crime.
I enjoy shopping online because at least I don`t have to act all shocked when my credit card gets declined.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors and all of them got laid.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps "Latest Speculative News" or "We Really Don`t Know Shit" would work. CNN call me.
Somewhere, right this minute, someone is reading this sentence.
Inspirational status of the day: Don`t be a douche.
I’ve been waiting 2 hours for an employee to come and wash my hands like the sign says….
The worst thing that can happen when you invite someone over to "watch a movie" is actually watching a movie.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Some people just lack the ability to realize that everyone in the room wants them to shut up.
Calories: Tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew your clothes a little tighter each night.
Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it`s only Tuesday
Sorry I can`t make it to your party tonight- I have to get up REALLY early tomorrow afternoon.
People who sit and talk while their pizza is gets cold gives me anxiety.
Don`t understand how you can forget about someone you loved so much. Like that time my mum drove off and left me in the supermarket car park