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My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Ok advertisers, for the last time. I’m playing a game I downloaded for free. So, the fact that you chose to advertise here means your product is grossly overpriced…
Not all girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice. I`m made of sarcasm, wine and everything fine.
Saying "I`m offended" is basically telling the world you can`t control your own emotions so everyone else should do it for you.
CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE: Oh... I have nothing to say, I just crave the spotlight.
When does paying taxes get shut down? Asking for everyone with a job.
I read in the Bible that people used to get stoned to death, that`s a lot of weed.
I would lose weight, but I hate losing..
If I had three wishes, I`d use one for boobs. Because I`m pretty sure I could get everything else that I wanted if I had boobs.
I`m not sure who`s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn’t make the cut.
And Jesus said, those footprints on the beach where two sets become one, that`s where I unfollowed you.
Buys Mega-Millions ticket. Has a better chance of being hit by lightning in a cave.
Learning to "stop drop and roll" in elementary school lead me to believe catching on fire would be a much more frequent problem in life.
Showed the kids here how to eat corn-on-the-cob typewriter style........ Now explaining typewriter.