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I`ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don`t know karate.
I bet the hardest part of working the poison control hotline is not finishing your sentences with "...you ignorant dumbass"
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn`t know you did that for fun.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
I need a hug right now also five hundred thousand dollars in cash.
Today in my local cemetery I came across the grave of Arthur Wynne the inventor of the crossword puzzle. For those that want to know where he is buried it`s 6 down and 4 across.
You can tell a man`s age by how close their socks are to their knees.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It`s stopped twerking.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
"American Pie" ruined it for any kid that actually does have an amazing story from band camp.
Depression is wanting to lay down and realizing that you are already laying down.
Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that b*tch swallowed balls till she died.
New parent: I can`t believe how awesome my baby is. 10 years later: Wow, they sure do grow up fast...10 years later: Seriously, get the f*ck out of my house!!
I usually spend my Mondays texting apologies but I`ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
“I’m going to be a little bit late” -people that are going to be very late