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I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "The Illuminaughty"
Long story short, I love summaries.
I drank an energy drink so if anyone needs help packing, pushing your car to a gas station or shaking the leaves off a tree
I like my coffee like I like my women, hot and a lot of alcohol in them
They don`t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts.
If you guys could read my mind! It would be all like; " "
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
I’ve just woken up, and it appears that Earth is temporarily safe from harm & currently doesn’t need my assistance, so I’m going back to bed.
The true definition of safe sex is having a padded headboard.
Today, my wife asked "would you still love me if I was ugly and fat." "Yes, honey I do." was not the right answer.
"If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun" ~ My son apparently
I hate driving so much that I even ring for taxis on grand theft auto.
the only way I know something is bad for me is if I like it
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.