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If robbers ever broke into my house and searched for money, I`d just laugh and search with them.
Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels. LOL. But on the up side, it is fun!! ;)
I know this will probably piss off a bunch of people I know, but what makes someone good at fishing?!? Seriously, all you did was wait longer.
It`s called PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
My New Year`s resolution was to lose 15 lbs by the middle of February. I have 20 lbs. to go.
Sex ed class should be listening to a baby cry for 5 hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat.
Hate when my GF asks me to hold her purse at the grocery store line cause I really don`t like being that guy holding two purses.
"Oh wow, it`s a fruit cake! I`m going to eat some of it right now" ...said no one ever.
I miss newspapers. It`s weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad.
I`m beginning to think that my destiny in life is just to be a bad example that other people can learn from.
You move into my house, delete all my porn, decorate every wall with rooster pictures, talk incessantly, leave hair everywhere and are too tired for sex?? Sounds great, let`s do it!!
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
A friend like you is worth a million dollars. So, if you don’t mind…can I sell you? :D
I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell. :)
Backseat drivers are the worst. They`re always like "the light is red!" and "don`t text and drive!" and "oh god, I think that was a person!"