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If I could only use one word to describe myself, it would probably be: "not good at following directions".
Grocery stores could save me a lot of time and effort by adding an “All the stuff you can microwave” aisle.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I`m the race car, sometimes I`m the iron. But usually I`m a peanut because I`ve lost all the game pieces.
Sometimes I get nervous I haven`t done anything with my life. But then something good comes on TV, and I`m OK.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
There`s a special place in hell reserved for the guy that decided what time McDonalds beakfast ends.
I was having breakfast at a friend`s house and she said "How do you take your coffee?" I said "Very seriously."
After much thought and careful consideration, I`ve decided not to do a damn thing today.
If you`re going to have opinions on my life, then I am assuming you will be paying some of the bills.
Me at age 5 "I wish I had a $1" Me at age 10 "I wish I had $100" Me at age 17 "I wish I had $1,000,000" Me at age 26 "I wish I had $1"
“Should I add more liquor?” is the most ridiculous question I’ve ever been asked.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
As a nation, we may be spending our children`s money, but at my house, it`s the other way around.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I`m pretty sure she`ll figure out that I`m just after my money
I don’t trust public opinion polls because they don’t take into consideration the fact that the public is made up of mostly idiots.