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I don`t understand no one has excepted my boiling water challenge
Hmmmm what should I buy myself for Valentines day.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they`re all like "we need to talk."
There’s a thin line between “I should do a status update about that” and “I should talk to a therapist about that”
What if cell phones are part of an elaborate plot to rid the world of phone booths so Superman has nowhere to change?
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, "Oh c`mon...even I`ve done THAT!"
Do you think that the guy that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
This is 2016. How come I can`t email someone a fart when I feel like it?
I believe in love at first sight or as science calls it, "boners."
I say if you can`t come up with anything nice to say then post it on Facebook.
If Reincarnation ends up being real... Those People who got "YOLO" tattoos are going to look... Pretty Silly
"Based on a true story" means it happened more or less like this, but with ugly people.
I think a clear conscience is really just memory loss.
Hello, fire department? Is this Mr. February? Yeah, I`m stuck in a tree. Uh, I mean... meooow.