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My day so far: 1) Jumped out of bed 2) Cooked breakfast 3) Ran 6 miles 4) Worked out 5) Started lying compulsively
Doing nothing is very hard to do, you never know when your finished.
"IT`S A BOY" I shouted, tears rolling down my face "I DON`T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!" It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says "Recalculating"?
This prefessor`s nuts. He keeps saying pie is square. I know better, pies are round, cakes are square!
What if 11:11 actually works but there`s one person in this world that`s wishing for everyone`s wishes to not come true?
MY 8 YEAR OLD: "Walrus testicles are called walnuts."
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex. I know I`m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
So this guy pointing a gun to my face was like: Your money or your life! and I was like: I`m on Facebook, I don`t have money or a life.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Time travel means never having to say you`re sorry...
Due to the economic crisis and ever increasing price of food, the 5 second drop rule has now been increased to 10.
It’s funny how “You’re so funny” turns into “You think everything’s a f*cking joke” in just 3 months…
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It`s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
I get paid to be nice at work. Not sure why my family and friends expect that for free.