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Sure, Men love funny women. As long as they are pretty...and skinny...and they have a great pair of knockers!!
People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don`t want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse."
I have a life, I have the best life in the world. Oh wait sitting around watching Netflix and eating pizza rolls isn`t a life. I guess i was wrong then. :( bummer
When someone says to me great minds think alike, I just look at them and think “you dirty bastard”.
I just don`t have enough middle fingers for today.
The way you feel when your phone dies is exactly how Cinderella must have felt at midnight
I don´t like people who can´t make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.
I don’t write children’s books because the last page would always say: "Now shut up and go to sleep."
What’s a drunken pirates worst nightmare? A sunken booty with no chest.
Sometimes giving someone a second chance is like giving them an extra bullet for their gun because they missed the first time.
You don`t need training to be a street cleaner, you just pick it up as you go along.
Does the Lego movie come with a disclaimer "Some assembly required"?
Some tattoo artists need to just say, "no, I`m not doing this sh!t."
Let this be known as my Living Will. I do not wish to be cremated. If the Zombie Apocalypse happens I would like to be a part of it.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out