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People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow ... Just sayin
It`s all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship`s kitchen.
Question : if you fart at the gym can people wearing headphones still smell it? Asking for a friend
The pollen is so bad this year that the people in the trailer parks are turning their crystal meth back into Sudafed.
I`m pretty sure some of you just drag your face across the keyboard and hit send.
Exercise would be so much more rewarding if calories screamed while you burn them.
It`s time for all of us to admit the "endorphin rush" you get after exercise is just an overwhelming sense of relief it`s over
I hate it when people hate me without even giving me a chance to give them a good reason to.
Plug your headphones into a banana. Everyone will leave you alone twice as much.
Do strippers have nightmares where they are in front of a large crowd with their clothes on?
I just don`t understand why Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell car insurance.
Jealous women do better research then the FBI. True story.
I’ve taken off my pants in most malls that I’ve been to.
The sooner one of you ladies takes ‘one for the team’ and becomes my girlfriend, they sooner I leave the REST of you alone!
Of course I`m crazy, but that doesn`t mean I`m wrong