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I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. "My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl."
Peyton Manning saw his shadow this morning...that means six more weeks of bad Papa Johns commercials.
There’s both a McDonald’s and a blood pressure machine in this Walmart. Circle of life.
I haven`t slept for three days, because that would be too long
Whatever you do in life, always give 100%…unless you’re donating blood…
If at first you don`t succeed ... I just lie and say I did.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary. Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shi t.
You know its bad when you feel like your life is being directed by Quentin Tarantino.
I found the key to happiness ... Stay away from a$$holes.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I`m going to visit.
I finally finished my 4,000 piece jigsaw puzzle. It reads- " Get a life you sad F**k "
I just ran a .003048K
I’m not in denial, I’m just selective about the reality I choose to accept :)
I think I`m going to run for political office, so people can dig up dirt on me. I have been wanting to piece together my twenties.