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Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
It`s a beautiful day, think I`ll skip my meds and stir things up a bit.
I was getting really depressed today but then I realized double cheeseburgers exist
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel. OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel. REALIST: A train. TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
The speed in which a woman says “nothing” when asked “what’s wrong” is inversely proportional to the severity of the sh!tstorm that’s coming.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
As an adult, I’m not eating nearly as much ice cream as 10 year old me thought I would.
is having one of those days where they feels like lighting someones face on fire and then trying to put it out with a fork
If we aren`t meant to have late night snacks, why is there a light in the fridge??
The success of a marriage hinges entirely on the ability to know which of your wife’s clothing is okay to go into the dryer.
I will resolve to spend less time on Facebook..............ok, got that one out of the way.....................
I`m so hungry I could eat without looking down at my phone.
I have tonight off so if anyone’s free let’s go somewhere and look at our phones together.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so that I could slap 8 people at once.
I hate when someone asks me where I see myself 5 years from now when I don`t even remember where the hell I was 2 days ago.