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"I don`t know what the f*ck this tastes like." - first person to eat chicken.
Never buy the first round cause that`s when people care what they`re drinking!
My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I`d go to hell for.
Every club is a strip club, if you have the money. Every zoo is a petting zoo, if you have the balls.
There just isn`t enough make-up in this world to cover up crazy.
After opening this month`s electric bill, I am no longer scared of the dark.
since when was it cool to have an iPhone at the age of 10.. i sincerely hope those parents know what they`ve done.
I finally finished my 4,000 piece jigsaw puzzle. It reads- " Get a life you sad F**k "
Sometimes you run into people who just make your day more bearable. Those people are called bartenders.
Sometimes people don`t notice or appreciate the things we do for them, until we stop doing it. Then they are like, “Why don’t you stalk me anymore”
So does screaming at my son in Chuck E. Cheese because he won`t share his game tokens with me make me an evil person? Just kidding! I have no clue whose kid this is.
I`ve been around the block a few times.....but only because I was too drunk to find my house.
I just found a $100 bill laying on the floor in the checkout lane. I don`t even have to try to find out who lost it, because it`s the same color, and has the same picture on it as the one I lost 2 years ago!! WooHoo, talk about fate huh??!!