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Why don’t television shows say, “You will be delighted to know that this program contains strong sexual content?”
There`s a certain age where you can no longer use the term "Good girl gone bad". It`s more like "Her old a$$ should know better"
What if aliens only abduct crazy people, because nobody will ever believe them?
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong...
Our phones fall, we panic. Our friends fall, we laugh.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, there is no question. I would want them to be alive.
That awkward moment when you’re yelling at someone and you mess up a word.
*uses Ouija board* NEW PHONE WHO DIS
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. It was way too literal for me.
I have to be funny because being hot is not an option.
Pulling out a winter coat and going through the pockets to find out who I was 8 months ago.
Studies show it’s totally okay for me to just say “studies show” in front of whatever I want to say.
Alcohol – The best night time: slurring, headache, dehydration, drink spilling, charm killing, so you think you can dance “medicine.”
You know you’re a mom, when someone says they have a stomach ache and you ask if they pooped today.
You know you`ve reached adulthood when your bed is in the middle of the wall instead of in the corner.