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Have some fun with your life...call in sick to places you dont even work at.
Im a leader not a follower... unless its a dark place then f*ck that your going first!
"I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon"
I think the guy who invented the word kumquats should have gotten to name more stuff!
Has it ever occurred to optimists and pessimists that the glass is refillable?
You can`t Febreze bullshit.
My wife`s credit cards were stolen last week. I haven`t reported it yet though...because so far, they are spending less than she was.
I don`t mind being wrong, as long as nobody knows.
It`s just adorable how the Liquor Store cashier always wishes me a good week as if I won`t be back tomorrow.
To the person who stole my antidepressants..I hope you`re happy now!!!
Do you ever start writing a status and half way through you’re just like… nah
Saying "cool" also means, I don`t give a sh!t.
When I`m cleaning my room, 1% cleaning 29% moaning 70% playing with stuff I just found.
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to D!ck, Especially since his name is Steve.
If you get pulled over, ignore the cop and tell him that your mommy told you not to talk to strangers.