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Running on two hours of sleep I’m either way too happy or violently homicidal.
My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
I`m just here until I can make day drinking a full time job
I am looking at this online special deal at Disneyworld and thinking no, my kids can annoy me just fine right here at home.
You know the road is in bad shape when you drive to the grocery store and your fitbit registers 1,000 steps.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if it at least moved a vacuum around the floors once a week.
Saw a bug crawling on my arm and my reaction can only be described as “grabbing for swirling dollars inside a plexiglas Cash Cube.”
I should go to sleep but the Internet needs me.
The toughest decision I will make today is bottle or draft.
Personally, I think failure should be an option
At the end of each day, life should ask us, `Do you want to save the changes?`
The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he’s too old for it.
AWESOME!
I really like this new reality show "Neighbor Without Drapes"
You get wasted, swear to much, and your morals are questionable. You`re everything I`m looking for in a friend.