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It`s pretty cool how vodka always has such `great` ideas.
I had the urge to clean my place today so I laid down until the urge went away.
If you think you’ve hit rock bottom, the only thing that can cheer you up is bringing somebody else down with you.
when my swear jar gets full I`m going to use the money to buy a f*cking puppy
Gatorade always has athletes in their commercials sweating and working hard. They really should target their real consumer. A Fat guy on the couch nursing a hangover. Is it in you?
No matter how old you are ... swingsets are cool.
I tried being awesome today, but I was just so tired from being awesome yesterday.
Next time you are in a restaurant, give this a thought. The fork you are using has been in the mouth of hundreds of people. Now look at the people eating right by you. Scary, right?
You know what’s funny? Lot’s of sh!t. Loosen up already.
Wouldn`t it be ironical to die in a living room?
My favorite thing about naps is that I don`t have to talk to people during them
On your deathbed tell everyone "pray for me" then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says "pray harder next time."
How do you get in touch with the models in the pictures that come with the frame? I have an out of control, elaborate lie I need help with.
If ghosts existed, why are they all apparently from the last 100 years or so? Wouldn’t there be evidence of a Neanderthal ghost here and there?
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so that I could slap 8 people at once.