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Hope I never go to jail, because I haven`t memorized a phone number since 2003.
Hair growing from my ears and nostrils doesn`t mean I`m getting old, right? Means I`m turning into a werewolf! Right?
That moment when you offer somebody a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she`s not your friend anymore
I only drank twice last week....Once for three days and once for four days
Starting tomorrow, whatever life throws at me, I`m ducking so it hits someone else!
Iron man is a super hero, Iron woman is a command.
That`s a horrible idea ... What time?
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more North.
I am the undefeated champion of this”smooshing-down-the-garbage-so-I-don’t-have-to-take-it-out-for-another-day” game.
The iPhone 5S: Because the NSA wants your thumbprint now too.
I`m pretty sure the phrase "Did I say that out loud?" is just a way of adding an exclamation point.
"Just so you know, you`re coming home with me tonight." I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Sorry, when I said I have the stamina of an NBA player in bed I meant I take 10 timeouts in the final 2 minutes.
Who`s more foolish, a fool or the person who takes a fool`s advice?
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.