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So many rules; so little time to break them.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
I can think of absolutely no acceptable situation where a grown man should be taking a bathroom mirror selfie.
If I could go back in time I would put cheese on a lot more things.
I want someone to look at me the way I look at the waiter when he brings my meal.
I`ve started to make a fresh start in 2015, so if I owe you money, too bad.
"Why?" - Socrates and four year-olds
The grass is always greener over the septic tank
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their sh!t together.
I ordered myself an Eastern European bride online. SO EXCITED. Just received confirmation… My Czech is in the mail!
Horse racing is like NASCAR only slower and with poop.
If stress burned calories, I’d be a super model.
My favorite exercise is a combination of a lunge and a crunch. It`s called lunch.
One man’s LOL is another man’s WTF.
Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You`re welcome.