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Running on two hours of sleep I’m either way too happy or violently homicidal.
Somedays I could do without the life lesson
When a bird bangs into your window, do you wonder if God is playing angry birds
Would a transformer buy life insurance or car insurance?
Crazy? ... My therapist does say I should quit talking to myself.
When I hear someone say, "chicken pot pie," I get excited three times.
Saying that your company has been in business since the 1800`s isn`t a selling point. Slavery existed then too...
Camping is fun if you`re into pretending that you`re homeless.
Waldo wears stripes because he doesn`t want to be spotted !
Clearly, it is wrong to describe woman`s menopause as "the old Fallopian tubes finally rusting shut." My bad.
I swear I saw a guy earlier today that had no chin and all I could think about was, how does he put on pillow cases?
Are you supposed to get an email that says “HAHAHAHAHA” after signing up for Match.com?
I don`t know why you are complaining about your appearance, your personality is even worse.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want freshly grated parmesan.
Spank me once, shame on you. Spank me twice, now we`re getting somewhere.