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Mother mosquito: Hey kiddo, how was your first flight? kid mosquito: Great mom! Everyone was clapping for me.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop and where to spend it
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to get in shape and you answer "revenge" it will raise a couple eyebrows.
Who me? Oh I`m just waiting for my husband to apologize for something I did wrong...marriage is fun
Black Friday, because after a day of thankfully stuffing your face, you deserve a deal on purchases you don’t need.
God is creative... I mean look at me??
People like you are the reason people like me need medication.
“But I read somewhere…” -me about to make some sh!t up.
Crazy people are never aware of their own insanity. I’m so glad I’m not a crazy person.
I`m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me "2mer is B-9, woot!"
I bought powdered water but I don`t know what to add to it.
Haircuts are great because I did none of the work but get all of the credit.
Excuse me sir, where do you keep the "Whoomp"? Oh, there it is.
ATM`s need to have breathalyzers.
Let’s have a moment of silence for all these guys that tried to walk across power lines but fell because someone tied their shoes together.