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You can stop lifting weights now; it’s actually your personality that nobody likes.
Me putting up with you is your Christmas present.
I don`t know what`s scarier. Houses with Halloween decorations or houses that still have up Christmas decorations from last year.
Honestly, I`m so awesome that I wish I could meet myself and get my own autograph.
I`ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this status is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
I’m drinking like there’s snow tomorrow.
I hate when I`m on Facebook and I`m rudly interrupted by a jogger bouncing off my windshield
It`s just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name...
I honestly have a fear that one day I`ll leave my house and not be wearing any pants!
I liked you better before we met.
I`m confused by this "It`s 5 o`clock somewhere" statement. Bars open at 11. Idiots.
My date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
No thanks, Inspirational guy, but I am only on Facebook for the jokes and the meltdowns.
Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza.
Not to brag, but I still owe Blockbuster $2.00 for not rewinding Weekend at Bernies.