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I hear my ex is now into orgies, or at least that`s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on her behalf said.
The only thing wrong with eary mornings is being awake.
Sometimes I whisper, "I´m on your side" to the computers, just in case they ever succeed in taking over the world.
Pretty considerate of germs to count all the way to five before jumping on the food we drop.
I never make plans until I know how I am getting out of them.
When I become famous I`m not going to tell anyone.
I should go to sleep but the Internet needs me.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up and play dead and they usually leave you alone.
OMG guys!! im so happy!! the doctors just gave me a jacket so im always hugging myself!!
Some of the best memories I have are of times right before the cops showed up.
What am I doing with the rest of my life? I don`t even know what I`m doing with the rest of this post...
My wife is driving me to drink. I hope she remembers to pick me up when I’m done.
Here`s where I draw the line: ___________________________.
Trix commercials just teach kids that sharing is bad.
Went to Walmart yesterday and bought me a new toilet brush, I think I am gonna go back to using paper, it is much more gentle on the netherlands........