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The worst part about calling in for a sick day is the pressure of knowing you only have one shot to do the “I’m sick” voice.
If I were the guy who made the Where’s Waldo books I would have totally made a page where Waldo wasn’t there.
John has 35 candy bars. If John eats 27 of them what does he have? .... Diabetes. John has diabetes.
To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present, they are due back at the library today.
I just watched a documentary on marijuana. I think all documentaries should be watched this way.
That awkward moment when you’re yelling at someone and you mess up a word.
Hold boobs not grudges.
I`m leaving my body to science fiction
I saw a bumper sticker today that said "I miss New York", so I smashed their window and snatched their laptop...
There`s a time and a place for alcohol ... In my hand and now.
It´s never to late to be happy
Lightning is like God`s way of saying "Get out of that tree you pervert!"
Breast awareness month: we stare because we care
Cops are allowed to tell women they have the right to remain silent, but when I do it I wind up with a fork in my leg.
Today, 2 year olds can unlock an iphone, open and close their favorite apps. All by themselves. When I was that age, I was eating silly putty.