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everybody has a girlfriend or boyfriend, and i`m just over here like `i love food`.
Don’t judge me…If you’re reading this then you aren’t working either.
Unlike milk, it is perfectly ok to cry over spilled whiskey.
Stop dwelling on the past and start f*cking up the future.
I didn´t outsmart you. You just outdumbed me.
How can I love nature when it did this to my hair?
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
My boss said “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.” Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman.
I have to hand it to people who lead a double life ... I can barely handle the one I have.
"That was supposed to be a compliment." -Men
If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.
Make BIG mistakes in life. Those people are remembered forever. On Youtube.
The trick is not let anyone know how really weird you are until it’s too late to back out.
Sorry I wore tear-away pants to your wedding. In my defense I really thought I had on underwear.
The iPad: Because the iPhone was too small for other people to notice you.