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I`ve ended up encountering much less porridge than I had expected I would as a child.
My Doctor says I`m a serious alcoholic, but I think I`m more of a funny alcoholic.
I`m pretty sure my Internet Explorer “error reports” end up the same place my letters to Santa do.
Match dot com, but for socks.
Unless life hands you water and sugar, your lemonade is gonna suck.
Imagine Ferris Bueller trying so hard not to Instagram his whole day off.
Coffee is just a hug for your insides.
When people tell me that I’ve changed, I want to shake them and tell them: “And so should you!”
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Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren`t happy.
I never mix business with pleasure, ......unless i call an escort.
This weekend, a woman in colorado gave birth inside a Wal Mart. Apparently, its the first thing found in a Wal Mart not made in China.
I put on real clothes today. What more do you want from me?
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That`ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.